As Requested, My White Trash Inlaws

[Hired Gun]

Lightning Boys Road Trip

Several years back Lightning Boy decided he was going to be a Big Rig Trucker and see the country. Off he goes hauling freight across the land. He is just doing what he wants to do. He, like all of us, likes a good old BBQ and where is a better place than a Gas Station. So he eats a whole big bunch of this taste of heaven and gets back on the road. Well about fifty miles later that taste of heaven turn into a 200mhp waterslide right out his asshole. He's able to make it to a bathroom where he spent the next few hours. He gets going down the road again several pounds lighter and round two hit him.

These are his words summarized

"I swear I had no time to pull over and thought I was going to shit my pants again(yes he said this) when I looked down and saw one of those WalMart plastic sacks beside me. Have you ever tried to shit in a WalMart sack while driving down the road? Well I can tell you HG it's not easy but that is not the most important part. The most important part is making sure the God Damn sack doesn't have a hole in it like mine did".

Yep he shit all over the passenger seat.

"It was so bad HG I tell ya after two or three weeks I had to quit because the smell was horrible".


WTF ?


I couldn't bring myself to ask if he tried to clean it or not because sometimes the answer is worst than what you can imagine. So if you take a job driving a Big Rig and it smell like shit I apologize on behalf of Lightning Boy.

ps don't buy BBQ at a gas station

 

[Hired Gun]

Wolf Mothers Wedding . . . . . . #5

Fellow readers please take out your scorecards and refer back to the wedding inwhich WM's daughters were wearing the bridesmaids dresses that were for a different wedding that had all the safety pins in them. I somehow might have forgot to add these details so forgive me.



Story

Now Wolf Mother has been married several times. I mean when you weigh a good 275lbs you cannot be limited to just one husband in your life. So the wife tells me we have to go to wedding this weekend. I ask her "who" and she replies "WM" and waits my lol.

I egerly awaited the wedding nuptuals and count the days like I did in my youth for Xmas to arrive. The glorious day comes and off we go to the church. When we get there the wifes grandparents are there and no one else. This is good with me because they are the salt of the earth. I cannot begin to say enough about the two of them. We enjoy a good conversation even though the church janitor is running around doing all sorts of bs. Fucking dude looked like The Unabomber, I swear it was his twin lol.

So we are enjoying our chat and WM comes in with her herd of kids in tow. WM is dressed in a white leather top and matching leather skirt like Pocahontas. So there is some small talk during which the story about the bridesmaids dresses comes up(refer back to the earlier story for lol's if you missed it). The Grandparents are sitting there in disbelief when it happens.



I know many of you have stopped reading various stories because the W T F causes ytou to and here is another one.



The Unabomber comes up to us and lays a huge kiss on WM.



Yes this lucky sumbitch was the groom.



The look and the Grandparents faces was priceless. I mean it was a combination of drinking pure leamon juice and moonshine all at once. I felt so sorry for my wife as she looked me in the eyes at that moment because she knew there was nothing I could do to stop talking about this epic moment all the way home in the car.

This is what WM wore but she weighs 275lbs

And her man

 

[Hired Gun]

Not a funny one as much as showing the mentality of these people.


Uncle Ed, "The Some Times It's Better Not Helping People Story"

The wife's Great Uncle Ed is as loony as the rest of these fucks. When I say looney I mean about as stupid as it comes. He hits his head on the underside of a pick up he was working on and split it wide open right about the eyebrow. The cut wasn't real deep but it took several deep layers of skin off about an inch wide and a good inch and a half long. So I see this and ask him how he did it and he tells me "7 months ago".

This is a problem because the cut looks like he just did it and as I have a medical background I know he's most likely diabetic. They take forever to heal. So I ask Ed if he's been to a Dr and if he has diabetes? His answer is no to both. I consider the mentality of the person I am speaking to and say "do you have a problem with your sugar"? He answers he does and said they told him to take some medicine but he never went and got it. I tell him to go get his medicine which is a pill no shots(yet).

A good 6 or so months go by and we go up to see the family and there is Ed sitting on the couch with a mountain of candy wrappers sitting next to him. He is killing a variety bag of miniature Snickers. I tell him he shouldn't be doing it because of his "sugar". Without missing a beat he replies "it's ok I went and got my pills so now when I want to eat candy I just take an extra pill".


This retarded sumbitch thinks its ok to shovel sugar down his pie hole as long as he takes more medicine. All my advice did was get him closer to kidney failure at a faster rate. He is thanking me nonstop about helping him get to eat candy again. I swear I could see his kidneys punching him in the gut.

 

[Hired Gun]

As far as my wife goes she takes it all in stride. She knows how screwed up they are and outside of her mom and dad and one of her sisters she just laughs it off. As far as her M&D and one sister she try to find the amusement in it as best she can. Besides after all of this shit that's went on it's hard not to laugh. The safety pins at the wedding had her in tears from laughter. When it happened her grandparents and us couldn't look at anyone because all of us knew if there was ANY eye contact we would have lost it right in front of Wolf Mother and her kids.

That's the ones she feels for is her nieces and nephews. Those kids never had a chance. It's sad but I try to find the humor in all things. I mean who doesn't want a nephew to married an old lady and fuck her to death? You just have to laugh and move on.

What's really going to be sad but hysterical is when her parents pass away and they(her sisters and their familys) fight over their parents stuff. They don't really have anything of value but if the boodie hogs can pawn it then its game on. We've discussed it and she knows it's coming so we'll be ringside when it goes down. Her parents are in their 70's and not in great health.

 

[Hired Gun]

My parents home burnt to the ground a few month ago. A couple days later as my brothers and I are sifting through the ashes to try to salvage what we could for them and Lightning Boy shows up.He's good natured and means well but I really didn't have the time to deal with him and his hi-jinx. He was checking to see if everyone was ok which thankfully no one was hurt (family or firemen).

So after a couple minutes he says "you need a piece"? I didn't know if i heard him correctly so I said "what" so he said it again. I asked him "what for"?
LB "for looters".
HG "nah I'm good".
LB "this one doesn't have any numbers on it" lifting up his shirt showing a pistol in his belt.
I again reply "nah I'm good"
LB "well you just let me know because I got you and if something happens call me first I'll take care of it"


If HG had a nickle for everytime he said to himself "WTFF" after talking to one of these people. Seriously was going to come there if I caught someone and keep them? I picture some kind of Deliverance Hillbilly Gimp locked in a barn being raped over and over. Then again if he did I don't think we would ever have to worry about being burglarized lol

 

[Left Hook Larry]

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD POST MORE

 

[Hired Gun]

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD POST MORE

So much stuff has happened over the 27 yrs I've been with my wife(25 of them married) I can't recall all of them off the top of my head. I'll see something and it will trigger a memory. As they do I'll add them to this thread. The holidays are coming up so I'm sure I'll see some of these people so I'm sure I'll have stories

 

[Hired Gun]

White People

- Mel


lol

 

[Left Hook Larry]

Just finished them all

 

[Robbie Hart]

Gosh dammit, you couldn't have fabricated this if you wanted to.....

 

[girlandcoconut]

My deepest apologies to any and all Native Americans for this next story. Once again "Pale Faces" have fucked your people.


So the Wolf Sister's son turns 18 and he is out of the house at 12:01am. I guess I would have been as well as God knows wtf he had seen growing up. Now when Sparky(not his real name) was born I seriously thought he was retarded for many years. He drooled non-stop until he was 8 and had this ginormous head(Tito could have said "wtf is wrong with that kids head"). So off he goes into the world to learn his "special purpose". He winds up in Florida and hooks up with a 57 yo woman who learns him. I'm sure its his first piece of ass and she breaks him off something good to the point he marries her. I saw a photo of her and let me just say "Damn" and I don't mean that in a good way. I mean it in "I worked the parking lot of a truck stop for decades" hotness after she gained 250lbs. It was fawking horrible. Anyhow he's as happy as a pig in shit I mean what 18yo wouldn't be happy with her and did I forget to mention . . . her 6 kids under 18 still living with her(including a 16&15yo)? He doesn't care though because he's putting his "special purpose" to use . . . well maybe a little to much good use because he wakes up one morning and finds her dead in bed. So now he's got a dead wife, no life insurance on her, a minimum wage job because he has no education or trade and best of all 6 kids.

What's he do? He goes back to Wolf Mom. So now at Wolf Mom's house we have Mom, Step Dad #5(I think it's #5 or #6), three sisters, one brother(I call him little bastard son of a bitch cause he is)him and his 6 kids. All in a three bedroom house. So he has no idea wtf to do so he goes and applies for State Assistance but there are a couple problems. First he has to bring all six kids in because they don't believe an 18yo have them including a 15&16yo and two, something about living at home with his Mom and Step-dad(that had a job) they wouldn't give him assistance due to household income.

Now these rocket scientists have a meeting of the mind and decide that Wolf Mom and Step-dad will quit their jobs and all go on State Assistance. So off they all go the whole fucking tribe to the Public Aid Office and get that money.

We haven't seen them in over 10years but hear stories from my other in law from time to time. I guess the entire group is on an Indian Reservation working. Wolf Mom & Step-dad are teachers and God knows what the rest are doing.

zomgggggggg

 

[ThatOneDude]

This is so amazing!

 

[FeeO]

The breeding wolves story mangled me.

 

[Hired Gun]

When we are going to one of the wife's family events the driver there is always one of turmoil for me because 1) how much money is it going to cost me and 2) will mt stomach be able to handle that much laughter?

 

[Hired Gun]

I'm sure the stripper masseuse niece is probably a full blown hooker by now and Sparky is a bug exterminator. I'm sure he's huffing fumes lol.

 

[girlandcoconut]

For the love of all things Holy, PLEASE start taking pictures when you guys go visit ha

 

[BeardOfKnowledge]

I've just invested like an hour in reading this stories. Worth. Every. Minute.

 

[Hired Gun]

Everyone can skip their ab workout this week


Your Welcome

 

[MMA.X]

Haha this thread is just classic keep up the funny post man

 

[MMA.X]

I've just invested like an hour in reading this stories. Worth. Every. Minute.

Ditto

 

[ThatOneDude]

I want to hear more about the stripper /Craigslist masseuse/hooker

 

[otaku1]

Leigh asked me to post stories about my wifes family. I have a ongoing thread over there telling the stories of My White Trash Inlaws. I love my wife as much as any man can but her family isn't redenck they are a carny level of white trash. It's funny because my wife somehow escaped this mess. She's done very well to include being a Gemologist. I tell her all the time here Mom slept with a mailman or cable guy because no way is she 100% related to these people. Sit back and relax and prepare to lol your ass off. All the stories I am about to post are true so get ready . . . .

Boy oh boy did I love your in laws threads.
Just pure gold.
Laughed so much.
I sincerely hope that wolf mother is doing ok.

 

[BJTT-Rizzo]

I didn't realize you were the guy until the wheres Leigh thread recently. This stuff is so funny and needs to be published.

 

[Hired Gun]

How would I do telling these stories in a comedy club and would people actually believe them? I would have a hard time buying it if I hadn't lived through it


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Leigh]

Brilliant! Cheers