General I was described as disabled

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mysticmac

First 1025
Oct 18, 2015
14,907
17,649
Yesterday, I was at a work conference and my ass was asleep. The metal chairs they had at this event were a pain in the ass, literally, so I was standing in the back of the room slowly pacing back and forth to wake my ass up when one of the event workers told me that I couldn't stand there because the fire marshal would give them shit.

She was cute, so I didn't wanna say, "but my bottom hurts!", so I told her I was having back problems and couldn't sit. She told me that I could get an ADA (American disability act) event badge, then I could stand wherever I want and the fire marshal wouldn't give a shit.

I realized that meant I would also get to cut every line, so I went and got one.

I was standing in the back of another presentation when someone else decided to follow suit. The event staff promptly told him he couldn't stand, and he replied with, "Well why does he get to stand?" while pointing at me. The event staff guy said, "Sir, he's disabled." The guy apologized and sat down.

FRAT version: asleep ass is a serious condition that affects millions of Americans.
 
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Hauler

Been fallin so long it's like gravitys gone
Feb 3, 2016
45,415
57,815
"Well why does Andrew get to get up? He gets up. We'll all get up. It'll be anarchy. It's out of my hands."

"That's very clever sir. But what if there's a fire. I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children would be unwise at this juncture in your career sir."

"Ok. What are you doing with this? Get this out of here for Pete's sake. You know I expected a little more from a varsity letterman."
 
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Hauler

Been fallin so long it's like gravitys gone
Feb 3, 2016
45,415
57,815
Sorry. I'm bored as shit. Stupid conference calls.
 

Mix6APlix

The more you cry, the less I care.
Oct 20, 2015
12,918
13,449
I don't think I have to sit here with you fucking dildos.
 

Hauler

Been fallin so long it's like gravitys gone
Feb 3, 2016
45,415
57,815
Do you see this? That looks like the size of a cigar. DO I STUTTER?!? You see, this is what you get at my house for spilling paint in the garage.
 

Hauler

Been fallin so long it's like gravitys gone
Feb 3, 2016
45,415
57,815
She lives in Canada. I met her at Niagara Falls. You wouldn't know her.

-Ever laid anyone around here? Oh...you and Claire did it.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. Let's just talk about it later. Just drop it.

No, drop what? What are you talking about?

-Well, in addition to the numerous girls in the Niagara Falls area, that currently you and he are riding the hobby horse.

You little pig!

No, I'm not. John said I was a cherry and I said I wasn't. That's all that was said.

-Well, then what were you motioning to Claire for?

You know I don't appreciate this very much Brian

He is lying!

-Oh, you weren't motioning to Claire?

You know he's lying right?
 

Passive Jay

Not Worthy
Oct 21, 2015
2,223
4,097
mitch hedberg did a joke about this.

security guy told him he could not stand where he was because he was blocking a fire exit... like if there was a fire he was not going to move? If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit!
 

Hauler

Been fallin so long it's like gravitys gone
Feb 3, 2016
45,415
57,815
Oh and wouldnt that be a bite, huh? Missing a whole wrestling meet.

-You wouldn't know anything about it f@ggot. (Got ya Splinty @Splinty) You've never competed in your whole life.

I know. And I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys who roll around on the floor with other guys.

-You'd never make it. You don't have any goals

Oh but I do. When I grow up I want to be just like you. I figure all I need is a lobotomy and some tights.

You wear tights?

No I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform.

Tights.

Shut up!
 

Hauler

Been fallin so long it's like gravitys gone
Feb 3, 2016
45,415
57,815
Ok. Conference call is almost over. Sorry for shitposting this thread.
 

SongExotic2

ATM 3 CHAMPION OF THE WORLD. #FREECAIN
First 100
Jan 16, 2015
39,772
53,672
mitch hedberg did a joke about this.

security guy told him he could not stand where he was because he was blocking a fire exit... like if there was a fire he was not going to move? If you are flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit!
I once got in trouble in Spain. I just got off a flight there which I'd decided I should try a bottle of champagne. When we got off they herded us together while we were waiting for the immigration booths to open so I said fuck this and opened a fire escape at one of the gates and went out for a smoke. Well some other passengers saw me and enquired if this was the smoking area. Sure is I said. We got about halfway down out cigarettes before the airport security ran over like we was isis and told us off.


Can't remember where I'm going with this. Maybe don't open fire escapes at airports to go for smokes
 

Hauler

Been fallin so long it's like gravitys gone
Feb 3, 2016
45,415
57,815
I once got in trouble in Spain. I just got off a flight there which I'd decided I should try a bottle of champagne. When we got off they herded us together while we were waiting for the immigration booths to open so I said fuck this and opened a fire escape at one of the gates and went out for a smoke. Well some other passengers saw me and enquired if this was the smoking area. Sure is I said. We got about halfway down out cigarettes before the airport security ran over like we was isis and told us off.


Can't remember where I'm going with this. Maybe don't open fire escapes at airports to go for smokes
No worries. It fits right in with the flow of this thread so far.

Not OPs fault by the way. I'm not one to make fun of the disabled.