As Requested, My White Trash Inlaws

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Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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Jan 16, 2015
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Leigh asked me to post stories about my wifes family. I have a ongoing thread over there telling the stories of My White Trash Inlaws. I love my wife as much as any man can but her family isn't redenck they are a carny level of white trash. It's funny because my wife somehow escaped this mess. She's done very well to include being a Gemologist. I tell her all the time here Mom slept with a mailman or cable guy because no way is she 100% related to these people. Sit back and relax and prepare to lol your ass off. All the stories I am about to post are true so get ready . . . .
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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Wolf Mother

Sister in law.

She decided it would be cool to get a couple Timber Wolf/Hybrid pups so she can set up a breeding business because according to her "everyone wants a pet wolf". So they get a couple pups(male and female) and are thinking $$$. She's going through her big pitch to me and I bring up "you didn't get those pups from the same litter did you because they'll have little inbred pup no one will want" not that anyone is going to want to buy a fucking wolf for a house pet. She looks crushed and I knew this dumbass broad did just that. I also ask how people are going to take to a wild animal as a pet but she has an answer "we're keeping them in the house to get them use to people and familys". So the wife talks to her Mom a few weeks later and her sister went out and bought another two pups from a different breeder(again a male and female). She told her mother to pass along to me a big "thank you because she over looked this and now has two sets so double her $$$$".

Small break for facepalm


So a year or so goes by and she's got pups but one problem, no one is buying them and how do you get rid of wolves? So she is stuck with a bunch of wolves or should I say Pack. Well another year comes and goes and now all these fuckers are banging left and right which is causing fights and they start choosing up sides all of which are inside her house.

Anyone want to guess where this is going?

Yep, the wolves finally go back to instinct and take over the fucking house. It gets to the point where she can't even go back into the home. She starts calling zoo's and animal retreats anything to get rid of "The Pack". No one wants them or has any idea's for her so she calls animal control. It takes several calls because no one believes her. The come out and have to dart all of these rabid sons a bitches(literally) and remove them. When all the chips fell they took all 14 from her home and she got a nice trip to court with a fine. Her home was covered in wolf shit and smelled like hell as they were marking territory. The house ended up having to be torn down due to her attempt in becoming an entrepreneur.
 

ThatOneDude

Commander in @Chief, Dick Army
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Jan 14, 2015
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Awesome, that's how it was with my ex wife, I still don't understand how she came from them, it's weird.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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I call the wifes sisters "The Booty Hogs" because she comes from a linage of massive women. I still say she was put on her parents doorsteps as a baby because no way in hell is she related to these people. So her younger sister I call "Yeti"(seriously my wife hates it but eh). So Yeti decides she wants to go to college and better herself and feels getting a GI Bill is the best way to pay for it. So off she goes into the Army Reserves. I can respect it but I know the hysterics are to come. So off she goes to basic Training but she comes home a few weeks later. I ask "why", as I'm sure all of you are asking. Well it seems she can't do sit ups. I don't mean the minimum requirement I mean she can't do one. So they send her home for six months to get into shape. So in her genius she buys one of those electric shock ab things and wears it 24/7. She isn't doing anything else, no sit ups, no jogging not even changing the diet because "this is going to work just like the man on tv said it would".

Stay with me on this and try to understand what I am about to say as if you were completely retarded(I apologize to retarded people as this is probably below them).

Her stomach is big and the little ab thing doesn't cover it all so she buys a second one and is wearing them both 24/7 lol. She's walking around twitching and squirming but "it's working" according to her because again "the man on tv said it would". Well after two or three months of this she goes back bragging about her "abs of iron". Seriously she said this. Well she's back with-in a week because she has not one but two abdominal hernias.

She's a school teacher now, that's right she is teaching your children lol.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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A cousin has always walked to the beat of another drummer. I'm sure it's a drummer strung out on heroin and has one arm that works normal and the other has some type of palsy. So he gets struck by lightning, doesn't kill him but shit happens. I'll give him this one. So he gets struck by lightning again a few years later. Here's the kicker, he was carrying a aluminum canoe during a lightning storm. I asked him why the hell he would do this he replied "because lightning doesn't strike the same place or person twice".

So the next time I see him he has all this Indian(woo woo not dot) stuff on. Feathers on his arms, the beaded neck choke collar thing ect. I ask him "WTF". Keep in mind this family's roots are anything but Indian. He says "when I got hit by lightning the last time(last time lol)God talked to me and when I answered it was in another language that sounded like an Indian so I know that I am a Indian in my heart and they are my people". What he heard is his dumbass babbling because it fucked up his speech for a few days after he got hit and according to his Mom he spoke like someone that bit their tongue.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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No other story can top this one

The wifes oldest sister got married and we go to the wedding, might I add this is her 5th or 6th marriage. Her daughters are the brides maids and they have shitloads of safety pins in the back if the dresses. Why do you ask, did they not have time to finish them? No, she was making the dresses for another ladies wedding and used them for her own.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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My deepest apologies to any and all Native Americans for this next story. Once again "Pale Faces" have fucked your people.


So the Wolf Sister's son turns 18 and he is out of the house at 12:01am. I guess I would have been as well as God knows wtf he had seen growing up. Now when Sparky(not his real name) was born I seriously thought he was retarded for many years. He drooled non-stop until he was 8 and had this ginormous head(Tito could have said "wtf is wrong with that kids head"). So off he goes into the world to learn his "special purpose". He winds up in Florida and hooks up with a 57 yo woman who learns him. I'm sure its his first piece of ass and she breaks him off something good to the point he marries her. I saw a photo of her and let me just say "Damn" and I don't mean that in a good way. I mean it in "I worked the parking lot of a truck stop for decades" hotness after she gained 250lbs. It was fawking horrible. Anyhow he's as happy as a pig in shit I mean what 18yo wouldn't be happy with her and did I forget to mention . . . her 6 kids under 18 still living with her(including a 16&15yo)? He doesn't care though because he's putting his "special purpose" to use . . . well maybe a little to much good use because he wakes up one morning and finds her dead in bed. So now he's got a dead wife, no life insurance on her, a minimum wage job because he has no education or trade and best of all 6 kids.

What's he do? He goes back to Wolf Mom. So now at Wolf Mom's house we have Mom, Step Dad #5(I think it's #5 or #6), three sisters, one brother(I call him little bastard son of a bitch cause he is)him and his 6 kids. All in a three bedroom house. So he has no idea wtf to do so he goes and applies for State Assistance but there are a couple problems. First he has to bring all six kids in because they don't believe an 18yo have them including a 15&16yo and two, something about living at home with his Mom and Step-dad(that had a job) they wouldn't give him assistance due to household income.

Now these rocket scientists have a meeting of the mind and decide that Wolf Mom and Step-dad will quit their jobs and all go on State Assistance. So off they all go the whole fucking tribe to the Public Aid Office and get that money.

We haven't seen them in over 10years but hear stories from my other in law from time to time. I guess the entire group is on an Indian Reservation working. Wolf Mom & Step-dad are teachers and God knows what the rest are doing.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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Wolf Mom's Daughter


Now as we all agree Wolf Mom is pretty fucked up and her kids are pretty much doomed. I have wanted to put hands on her a few times for bs she has done to her kids that I feel is over the line. The only reasons I haven't is A) I was brought up to never hit a woman and B) she is waaaaaay outside of my weight class by a good 200+lbs. She has a daughter that has a pretty bad illness(not mental believe it or not) and was put out of the house by Wolf Mom. So what does a young girl who has no skills or education do when put in a situation like this? She becomes a hooker.

We go up and see the in laws for our 3yr meeting(yep about every 3yrs or so we go see them) and my mother in law tells us this story. I usually don't say a damn thing as I don't want to put my wife in the middle of stuff and she's embarrassed of her family so I try not to make her feel any worse but in this case I blow up. "How in thee fuck can you not put your daughter in check over this AND how in thee fuck can you not get ahold of your grand daughter and let her move in with you"?

Yep, I'm the bad guy according to my in laws because in their words "she could be living off the government".

So to sum it up.
"It's ok if your Grand Daughter is a hooker because it's far worse if she is like your Daughter and lives off state aid".

Unfuckingbelievable
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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Oh and I didn't believe the hooker thing when I first heard it and my wife looked her up through facebook and her picture was buck necked lying on a bearskin rug with it kind of hanging over her to cover up all the naughty parts. The wording on her page was as close you could get to advertising prostitution as it gets without facebook banning you.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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We go up for Easter Dinner one year and are sitting at the table getting ready to eat. My wifes Grand Parents are sitting right across from me. They are the salt of the Earth I mean really good people this is where my wife got it from.

So right next to me is the she beast Yeti and her husband the car thief(yep it was his families trade). So the husband says something to her and gives her a little love pinch on the arm. Yeti immediately grabs him full force by the balls as sqeezed for all it's worth. She said(try saying this in your mind in a Chewbacca voice) "I advise you to keep your hands to yourself" giving them one last twist.

I thought he was going to pass out as he turned a grayish color.

Her Grand Parents had the same look of WTF as I'm sure I did. Dude couldn't even eat.

(Side Note)
She took him on Dr Phil last yr for being a deadbeat dad.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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Dr Phil story


So Yeti takes the car thief hubby on Dr Phil for being a dead beat Dad. I think during one of the commercial breaks they somehow took Yeti's shoes off her hooves because of fear she would throw them but the highlight of the show was Car Thief saying to his daughter "the reason I don't call you is because you remind me of your mother". Ghetto white trashness ensued.

This is normal every day stuff for them trust me
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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We run into the daughter of Wolf Mother one night and ask her how things are going as she had just moved back in with her. She says "ok but husband #5 or #6 had been coming on to her". She had said something to her mom which blamed her instead of #5 or #6. She said she knew he had to move when he was doing laundry one day and held up a thong of Wolf Mother and said "this is what you wear to get a man". All I pictured when she said this was David holding the slingshot that brought down Goliath because that thong had to of been massive as WM goes about three twenty five or so.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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Another WM


So Wolf Mother is married to husband #1 who had been putting hands on her. Now this had happened before I came around and they are in the middle of a divorce. Now he's stalking this prime trim of a woman wanting her back and catches her at a gas station. She locks herself in the car and won't let him in. He's standing in front of the car and won't let her leave. He places his foot in front of the tire and says "I'm not going to move my foot until you open the damn door". She says ok and guns it running him the fuck over and breaking his foot and leg. So #1 gets in his car and tries chasing her down but there is a slight problem, his car ran out of gas because he forgot to get fuel. To make matters worse it runs out on a bridge so he has to get out and try to push it. Did I mention its raining? A couple of high school kids drive by and yes you guessed it, splash the shit out of him and the inside of his car because the window is down. He does what we all would do and flips them off. One problem, the kids stop the car, back up, get out and beat the holy shit out of him. He sued her for his injuries including the ass beating.

Case dismissed one the grounds of damn near making the judge piss himself from loling.

Wolf Mother - 1
Hubby #1 - 0
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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First time I met WM's husband #3 he says "I'm so and so, nice to meet you I wonder by chance do you have a spare tire I can borrow"?

Who the fuck introduces them self by asking for a tire?


You know the Wonderful Whites of West Virginia at least have drug and alcohol problems for an excuse. This clan has neither of them.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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Thanksgiving

WM hosted Thanksgiving one year and I think the souls of every Indian killed by a white man decided to seek out revenge all at once. Keeping in mind her oldest kid at the time was 13 she decided it would be a perfect time for them to learn responsibility and cook the entire meal.

Unsupervised

Can everyone remember the episode of the Little Rascals when they made the one kids mom a birthday cake? Suit was hysterical this was like that. She gave the kids a cookbook and told them to make a list of everything they needed to prepare the meal. She went and bought them the ingredients and set them loose. I picture something like Lord of the Flys combined with Hells Kitchen going on in that kitchen as these kids did the best they could do.

O M G this meal.

The turkey was a dryness like National Lampoon Xmas, potatoes were pretty much warm raw, dressing which had eggs in it was a no way in hell am I trying something with eggs in it and I'm not sure wtf the red stuff was. The looks on all the adults faces as they chocked down this meal was a picture that will haunt my dreams AND make me lol in my sleep for decades.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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It reminded me of this one

The wifes grandmother passed. She was a great lady. She always made me fried rabbit cooked in beer and pepper ever time we went and saw her. Her home made pickles were sooooo fucking good you could eat a jar in one sitting. I really miss her.

Let us progress to the funeral. We get to the funeral home for the services and things are going somewhat normal aside for husband #5(?) asking for money for gas because he doesn't have enough to make it to the cemetery but whatever. We get in the cars and head to the cemetery in what can best be described as a caravan of vehicles the Beverly hillbillies would have driven smoking worse than Uncle Bucks car. I swear I a few people in this mess probably got long cancer. We get to the cemetery and its show time. One of the nieces starts waling like nobody's business. I mean high pitched ridiculousness and runs to the casket while the pale bearers are carrying knocking one down. Thankfully the others didn't drop it but they did step on the poor bastard. I remember standing there trying to be respectful and not loling at a footprint right in the middle of this guys back of his suit coat.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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The wifes parents are Mormon. Now there are good people and bad people in every religion but they look down on anyone who isn't Mormon with regards to dating/marrying their daughters and it caused issues from the first time I went out on a date with my wife. Even to this day they resent me for it. They can go suck long hard as far as I'm concerned.

Back to the story.
Now they want their kids to live by a strict set of rules and give me one hell of a hard time over this bs. Keep in mind HG doesn't use drugs, hit women and works but this isn't important to them because I'm not Mormon. Her Mom asked me at one point if I was having sex with her daughter and I told her it was none of her business but looked at her dad and winked setting him the fuck off lol. During the time we were dating 1) WM's husband #1 is beating her, sister #3 marries car thief after meeting him 3 days prior(yep three whole days) and the best one of all, sister #2 gets caught fucking in church/temple(whatever they call it). Yes that's right I'm the devil himself but all of the other bs going on is ok because it involves Mormons lol.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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Lightning Boy and the Pig Incident


Lightning Boy is living in the country but not on a farm so he decided that everyone that lives in the country has to have pigs. He doesn't have room on his property for a pen so he gets one of those Pot Bellied Pigs and lets it stay in the house. Bacon, yes he was original with the name, is his pampered pet and loved by him just like normal people do with dogs and cats. Bacon is spoiler and grows past the normal size to well over a couple hundred pounds.

He looked just like this


He leaves the screen door open for him to go in and out at his pleasure and to his defense Bacon his house broke. He's got a full size mattress on the floor in one of the rooms with pillow and blanket because, as we all know, you have to have a pillow and blanket for you pigs in the house.

One very hot summer day LB goes to town and doesn't get home until late at night. He gets up the next morning and find Bacon not in his bedroom but dead on the back porch. He had left the glass sliding door closed and Bacon most likely had a heat stroke and died.

As he tells me this story I am taking it for stride because NOTHING he tells you surprises you. Well that is . . . until he said "pig meat must go bad pretty quick because I could barely stand to eat any of it".
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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Family get togethers are the best but there are rules I go by.

1) never ever ever eat the food. I mean would you guys trust these folks to cook something that doesn't kill you are find out you ate possum ass?

2) always be on alert, you never know when something is going to happen that might kill you. It could be fishing season and someone might have whipped up some explosives to get their limit.

3)MOST IMPORTANT RULE ! For the love of God if you hear "Hey Watch This" turn your fucking camera on video and start taping !
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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WM's Cousin has a kid after many years of trying so the clan is all happy and throw a big party for her and the new baby. So we are in attendance and of course there has to be one of those . . . "W T F" moments that happens whenever you get around these people. This hits me as I'm standing in the front room and notice some baby pictures in nice frames hanging on the wall. For some reason these pics caught my eye so I look a little closer and (get ready . . . ) "W T F", one of the pictures is full view close up of the baby's head coming out of the ungroomed who-ha.

Who puts things like this on a fucking wall?
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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Hair (not much of a story but meh)

A cousin who shall be referred to as "Hair" do to his long hair was the black sheep on the family(wtf is wrong with a person to be a black sheep in this family). I always liked the guy as he is hard working but also had the time to help if you ever needed it but some of the family looked down upon him. I never found the reason why to this day.

So Hair is a good kid for the most part in his teens and decides he wants to be a Carny. I mean for the love of God who wouldn't? Elephant Ears whenever you want, hot ass Carny Bitches, grifting rubes oh what the life. So his 15yo ass hooks up with the carnival as it comes through his small town and he's gone to seek out his career. Small problem, his parents are pissed. The other small problem is this is the early 70's and they have no idea where the hell the carnival went next. It takes a month to track them down by then Hair is in his height of glory. When they show up with the police they have to handcuff him to take him home(seriously the cops gave them handcuffs and a key and told them to mail them back once they got home). By the time he gets home he had calmed down and realized his dream was over. He still to this day speaks high praises of the greatest month of his life.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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Another Hair Story

Hair is a good guy. To be honest I would have to say I like him the best out of this clan. Hair also is a bit of a ladies man and used to hang out at honkey tonk type bars. He's a good sized guy who is built like old John Wayne (he actually reminds me allot of The Duke from his appearance). Even with his size he is without any doubt the best dancer I have ever seen at a country bar. You wouldn't think a man of his size can move like he can but he is unbelievable even able to do the splits. Over the years many a man has tested his pugilist skills as well and all of those tests he has lost. Ladies man yes, fighter oh hell nah but that doesn't stop him from standing up for what he feels is right. On one occasion Hair and his competitor(s) got a little out of hand and lawdog was called. It's better if I quote Hair for how it all went down.

Hair
"You see there were these three guys giving me the stare down and if it's one thing you know about me is that no one and I mean no one is gonna stare me down so it was time to do what I do best(yes he said this). So we are going at it when one of them decides they can't take any more of me in a fair fight so he hits me with a pool cue(this broke his collar bone). About that time in comes the cops and if theres one thing you know about me(yes he says this phrase allot) it's I don't like cops. So they decided they wanted to jump on old Hair as well since the other three couldn't handle me. I gotta tell you I was winning(insert lol). I mean really putting it on these old boys until I got hand cuffed then I lost . . . bad".

I'm still trying to wrap my head around him fighting three guys, winning, getting hit with a pool cue which did for a fact broke his collar bone and the pain of the cops putting him in cuffs. I can say what I want but Hair might not be a fighter but sure is one tough sob.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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Next Few Posts were maed during Lightning Boy's Wedding. His Bride I nick named Cupcake as she is a biggin

OK I just arrived . Nice country church. Cupcake is HUGE. I was right in calling tree fiddy from the pic I had seen of her.

She is wearing an actual wedding dress. I wonder how many Chinese children died in the sweatshop putting together this massive amount of material?. Haven't seen Lightning Boy yet.


First the smallest bridesmaid was somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 bills and would be rejected by Plenty of Fish if they set up an account there. Yes that bad.

There was this old bitty that was running the wedding/reception and she was a Biotch. She had one eye that was completely cataracted out so I couldn't tell if she was giving me the evil eye or the stink eye. Her hair was a combination of brillow pad and dingey orange.

But

The one thing that stood out with this old beast was . . . . her toenails. The toenails on her big toes went straight up as soon as they came out of the nail bed. I personally would have cut them or used a grinder but not her. I assume she let them grow so she could climb trees easier to catch squirrels barehanded or some shit. I have a strong stomach and you can call me a wuss but those nails upset it a little bit. I would have paid huge money to have taken her to a oriental nail salon with an interpreter to see what those broads had to say when the Brillow Beast they those tree climbers up there to get done

The bride wore flip flops

I'm not a religious man but I do respect people and their beliefs and feel there are certain lines you do not cross. This would include pulling a flask out and drinking in the church which is exactly what Lightning Boy did right after the ceremony. I always have liked him but I have to admit I was a little taken back when this happened
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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I got a phone call today regarding Lightning Boy. As we all know he got himself married a few weeks back. He and the new wife decided to have a party at their place with a bunch of friends to celebrate. One thing leads to another combined with a shit ton of booze and things go as they always do with him . . . wrong.

He decided to show his friends that he could take a big swig of booze and blow fire. Somehow his dumbass lit himself the fuck on fire and burnt all his facial hair off as well as most of the hair on the front half of his head. Lucky for him his burns were just first degree(other than all his hair gone). Lucky for us he tried it and failed miserably so we all could lol at his non eyebrow having ass.
 

Hired Gun

If You Only Knew What I Dooooo
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So I run into Lightning Boy over this past weekend. I congratulate him on his wedding and he says "hold on a minute" and yells for his wife to come over. He says to her "tell HG what you told my Dad". She doesn't want to but finally gives in. She says "I asked his Dad if he knew why I was smiling so much at my wedding"? His Dad relied "no".


Her answer "it's because I knew I would never have to give your son another blow job".


Now That's Class Bros