Baby mama drama, could use help

[D241]

I'm in a bad spot.

long story short-

been separated from kids' mom for about 6 years.
she has a history of losing her temper
she has been enabled by her mom
she has a drinking problem that doesn't pose bad problems often, but when it is an issue, it's a major issue.

She was going to have her domestic violence charge that happened against me fall off this month. Well, she got arrested again last night, for domestic violence again. This was to her own mother, not the first time it's happened either.

We have joint custody and i'm the primary, i get my kids every wed-sun or ever wed-sat. They're with me now as she's in jail. She was going to watch them for me on Thursdays and Fridays during the day while I work, but not anymore.

She was living with her mom but has been kicked out, rightfully so. I now have no one to watch my kids on my days, plus i'm trying to figure out how to work today,tomorrow,wednesday and have my kids watched.

She's batshit crazy and has a history of losing her control.

Not sure what to do as if she doesn't have kids in her life as much, she will probably turn out even worse, however i don't want my kids to have an incident with their mom when they're teenagers as i fear something bad could happen. She has already fired a gunshot at her ex boyfriend after me.

If i go for full custody i'm sure I'd get it, however i also know since she has been a fuck up basically her entire life i wouldn't get any child support/financial help.

I at least take care of my shit and my responabilities but this just happened yesterday. Her mom tried texting me to call 911 when she was getting attacked. Her mom was scared for her life, so scared she stayed in a hotel last night.

 

[SNIDELY WHIPLASH]

What is the question?

 

[Punch]

That sucks man. Sorry to hear you're going through this shit.

 

[ThatOneDude]

Soooooo?

 

[Priziesthorse]

If i go for full custody i'm sure I'd get it, however i also know since she has been a fuck up basically her entire life i wouldn't get any child support/financial help.

I understand that finances often makes decisions more difficult, but your children's safety should be top priority imo. I think you should be seeking to separate your kids from an environment where alcoholism exists and a woman who apparently has attempted to murder someone.

 

[Ministry of Silly Walks]

if her mom doesn't work, would she help watch them, or are there any teens in the family willing to babysit for some cash?

 

[Zeph]

I understand that finances often makes decisions more difficult, but your children's safety should be top priority imo. I think you should be seeking to separate your kids from an environment where alcoholism exists and a woman who apparently has attempted to murder someone.

I have to agree with this. Also, people have to hit rock bottom before they look to change, losing custody could be the motivation for her change.

 

[D241]

I guess my "question" or struggle is do I try to go for full custody and have her only see the kids every other weekend, and have to figure out a way how to make more money?
Or do I try to keep the same schedule and hope she gets her shit together?

Man my kids haven't asked about seeing her which I wasn't going to tell them, but at the grocery store just now my 7yr old asked.

I was honest and told them what happened. Very tough conversation to have with little children. Even though they're young they both know that she has a drinking problem. Very tough hearing some of their feedback and hearing my 8yr old state how he is scared that one day she'll lose her temper on him. That shit came as a bit of a surprise.

 

[D241]

I have to agree with this. Also, people have to hit rock bottom before they look to change, losing custody could be the motivation for her change.

I thought a year and a half ago a judge appointing me "primary parent" instead of the mom(this is in Texas mind you), that that would be enough. She caught a case on domestic violence against me under similar circumstances, lost her apartment, had to move in with her mom.

Her mom just enables her and is even going to bail her out which I advised against.

 

[Zeph]

if her mom doesn't work, would she help watch them, or are there any teens in the family willing to babysit for some cash?

Yup, this is a situation to fall back on the family for help. My mom watches my sisters kid 2 days a week, and honestly she loves it. Although, I could see it being different if they are young teenagers, and the mom being elderly(I don't know any of the ages).

edit: Do you have any family within a reasonable distance to help? Apart from her mom?

 

[Punch]

Very tough hearing some of their feedback and hearing my 8yr old state how he is scared that one day she'll lose her temper on him.

This should tell you what you need to do.

 

[D241]

I've looked into the boys and girls club. From June 15 to Aug 15 for $310 per kid I can drop them off mon-Friday from 7am to 6pm.

I'm probably looking at this route.

In terms of "help", positive encouragement of any sort is good. @Alienator knows that titty's always cheer me up, or at least changes my focus.

 

[Zeph]

I've looked into the boys and girls club. From June 15 to Aug 15 for $310 per kid I can drop them off mon-Friday from 7am to 6pm.

I'm probably looking at this route.

In terms of "help", positive encouragement of any sort is good. @Alienator knows that titty's always cheer me up, or at least changes my focus.

In the UK, there are certain circumstances where you can get help with cost of daycare. I don't know what the situation is in the states, it could be different in every state for all I know, but would the government provide some help, or perhaps even your employer(they have to provide certain benefits right?)?

 

[Punch]

I've looked into the boys and girls club. From June 15 to Aug 15 for $310 per kid I can drop them off mon-Friday from 7am to 6pm.

I'm probably looking at this route.

In terms of "help", positive encouragement of any sort is good. @Alienator knows that titty's always cheer me up, or at least changes my focus.

Well, you don't need to change focus on this one man. But if it'll cheer you up:

 

[SNIDELY WHIPLASH]

You don't have much of a choice. Did I hear you right, she pulled a gun on a boyfriend? Listen, she doesn't need kids, she needs a therapist and some Latuda.

You need to check with you place of employment to see what they can do for you in terms of babysitting costs. Most employers have some kind of plan for that, it's just usually for women.

 

[Punch]

Did I hear you right, she pulled a gun on a boyfriend?

I missed this part. Fuck dude get your kids away from her right meow.

 

[Zeph]

 

[ThatOneDude]

You need to do what's right for your kids and being in that type of environment with her is clearly not it. It's a no brainer.

 

[D241]

thanks for the tit gifs guys.

i talked to my 8yr old again. i talked to him about how he said he was "worried" since she has fought multiple family members(his dad and his grandma) that she could do it again. I was very impressed with how in touch he was with his emotions and his take on the whole deal. I asked him/told him that I could have a judge hear my concerns and a judge would probably let me have them all the time.

Then he said he'd still want to see his mom. When I pressed "how much", he said like 3 days a week, which is basically what it is now. I think my kids are okay as her issues have more to deal with adults that she is mooching off of getting tired of her shit and then she lashes out at them. There's never been an instance where she scared him.

 

[D241]

In the UK, there are certain circumstances where you can get help with cost of daycare. I don't know what the situation is in the states, it could be different in every state for all I know, but would the government provide some help, or perhaps even your employer(they have to provide certain benefits right?)?

I get a little help from the state regarding grocery help, but I know the company I work for is too small to have benefits.

 

[D241]

You don't have much of a choice. Did I hear you right, she pulled a gun on a boyfriend? Listen, she doesn't need kids, she needs a therapist and some Latuda.

You need to check with you place of employment to see what they can do for you in terms of babysitting costs. Most employers have some kind of plan for that, it's just usually for women.

I'm glad I googled "Latuda". Last night as my head was racing trying to fall asleep, I seriously wondered if she is bi-polar. Is there such thing as bi-polar that doesn't show itself unless heavy drinking is involved?

I know some people act different when inebriated, however she gets to a state where she cannot remember her actions and her actions are bat shit crazy.

 

[ThatOneDude]

Substance induced mood disorder

 

[jason73]

i have a kid with a chick with borderline personality disorder.i feel your pain bro. do what you got to do and make sure your kids are in a safe place. i send my kid to the boys and girls club until i get off work sometimes.it works out great they just run around and play floor hockey.i am lucky with lots of relative on both sides of the families to look after him.i havent had a bitches be trippin episode for a long time but its always lurking beneath the surface

 

[kneeblock]

Hey D241, I think we've chatted a bit about this at the other place. Abuse is abuse, regardless of her maternal relationship with your kids. This isn't baby mama drama. This is alcoholic abusive ex endangering your children with her choices.

If she represents a danger to them or herself and you can manage their care on your own, you should definitely consider applying for sole custody. Doubtless they don't want to be separated from their mom, but until her volatility is under control, they're simply not safe around her. Sole custody just means you have full discretion over when she has access to them. It doesn't mean she's not their mom. It's not a cold tactic. It's just a legal protection for all of your sakes. Your children can still see her, but you'll be able to revoke that right as needed if her drinking or behavior is out of control.

It will be difficult to have them cared for due to work, but depending on your location there may be some free youth programs. I know you said you looked into the Boys and Girls Club and that rate actually sounds pretty good.

 

[D241]

That's an informative post KB. I wasn't sure about full custody but that sounds like it'd be nice to have the say so in when she can have them.

I talked to her today. She admitted she needs help with her anger issues and that she was sorry and really appreciated my patience and putting up with her bs.

I'm going to see how she gets back on her feet but until then I think her and I both agree that the kids staying with me is what's best.

I'm making the most of the situation. My work is granting me to work from home this week until the boys and girls club starts next week, and tonight I watched two movies back to back with both my sons. (The Good Son and Total Recall)

Tomorrow night I'll introduce them to the Lethal Weapon series. Thus far their summer is starting off the best ever. Stay up late every night, play throughout the day at dad's house with Dad home.

Plus I get a 2nd chance to upload my ex's mugshot when it gets put on mugshots.com