Here is a few of his old myspace blogs.....
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Without fear!
I am happy about the win at UFC 59. Much respect to Justin Levens for stepping up last minute when no one else would.
Got lost in Huntington Beach for a couple of weeks after the fight. Was fun for a time, and then went dark. I offended some good people for which I am very sorry. It weighs heavily on me.
Am in Vegas right now and keeping company with an amazing friend, but I fear new opportunities are presented that are dangerous to one with such a narcissistic personality as myself. If I claimed to be without fear, I would be lying. Where do I go from here? I cannot say.
11:49 PM
Sunday, May 07, 2006
BEER FOR BREAKFAST
Yes, Beer for breakfast for probably too many days in a row, but is beer for breakfast really a bad thing? It's all relative. Who's to say?
Spent the last three days gambling here in Vegas. Blackjack. Lost $1000 the first two days. Yesterday I was there early. Beer for breakfast at the Blackjack table at 8:30 am. Lost another $1000. Felt like a real dumbass. I'm not a high roller. Need every cent I have. Always trying to make that house payment. Took a break for lunch after continual hands and many beers. The cocktail waitress was getting worn out I think. She tells me she'll just start bringing two every round.
Finally found a table I liked with good energy. Started getting amazing hands. Hitting 21 off of 16s everytime. I could do no wrong. Walked out of the casino with $4500. Felt like I was somebody again.
Going back this morning to see if I might be able to do it again. Leaving all of the money at home except for $200. They've taken me too many times. They're not getting it back from me this time.
As far as everything else goes, I don't know. I am a man without a home. I own a house in Oregon, but I don't ever want to live there again. Too many bad memories. That part of my life is over. Have been staying with friends for months, bouncing around the country. I am looking for a new home, a new place, new people. I have no idea where I will end up. I have enough money right now to take a little time trying to find where I want to be. I have become a Gypsy, a Ronin. I don't know how this story will unfold. I'm not sure where I will be tomorrow.
7:13 AM
Monday, May 08, 2006
TRUTH
Thanks to everyone for the comments on the last couple of blogs. I appreciate the concern, but it is not necessary. What I 'm doing is not out of the ordinary for me. I have led a life of extremes. It is my nature.
Truth is the beginning of everything that has any meaning in this life. Good or bad, what I speak will be the truth. This life, this story you read about in these blogs will be the truth of me.
11:14 AM
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Leaving Las Vegas
Not like the movie, although I understand how someone could get lost in something like that there. Could I have been on my way? I'm too strong to do something like that with intention, but a man can get lost.
I can't say I was very motivated to leave. It was more at the urging of a friend. Maybe they could sense I needed to get out of there. We rented a car and drove to Salt Lake City. My Landcruiser has been here for month and a half, sitting in the parking lot of the apartments where Josh Burkman lives. I was suprised it was still here.
I am one step closer to Oregon. I don't want to go there. So many bad memories, but I have to get something done with my house, and all my things. Maybe I will just give everything away to friends. I'm not going to live there anymore. I don't need it all.
My friend went back to Vegas yesterday. I'm trying not to get stuck here in SLC. I may though. I wonder if I might leave today. There are no rules, and there are very few responsibilities. Drank Margaritas most of the day yesterday. Found a little bar down the road last night. Switched to Cowboy Beers. Got everybody there drinking them. That's a draft beer with a shot of vodka in it. Can't taste it.
Showed up at my friends' apt around 2 am. Dennis and Rod were still up. Started drinking their beer. They keep odd hours. Same as me I guess. I crashed on their floor last night. Getting used to sleeping on the floor now.
Woke up this morning, rolled over and grabbed the half empty stale beer from the night before that was beside me on the floor. Beer again for breakfast. A few more beers and here I am writing this blog.
I'm not writing this looking for responses or comments. I'm just telling my story. It is kind of my way of keeping a journal for myself, and maybe the story will have some kind of meaning to someone else out there. I have had some things happen that have made me very, very sad. I am struggling, but this is not a breakdown. This is not out of the ordinary. My life has been one of extremes. I set out on this path with the best of intentions, but once one has been some places, once one has seen and done some things, can they ever go back? I have always been a seeker, but I sometimes wonder if I have found too much. There is a certain wisdom in choosing ignorance.
10:17 AM
