Joke of the Day Thread

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Wild

TMMAC's Most Handsome Admin
Admin
Dec 31, 2014
59,616
108,148
Only rule: One joke per day, per user

I'll start...

A rich guy and poor guy get to talking one day around Christmas time, and the conversation turns to what they got their wives for Christmas.

The rich guy says "I splurged this year and got my wife a 3 karat diamond ring and new Mercedes."

The poor guys says "Wow, why not just get her one or the other?"

The rich guy says "Well, I figured if she doesn't like the ring, at least she'll have a Mercedes for Christmas. What did you get your wife?"

The poor guy says "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo"

The rich guy says "that's an odd combination, what made you choose those two things?"

The poor guys says "Because if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
 

Priziesthorse

TMMAC Addict
First 100
Jan 15, 2015
10,619
27,393
Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "They gave those away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

 

Nuk Soo Kow

Season 24 Monsters Tourney Champion
Admin
First 100
Jan 14, 2015
32,113
53,552
3 men get talking at a funeral home while picking up their loved ones ashes. When the topic came up of where the ashes will be spread they all spoke in turn. The first man says its the ashes of his father who loved to hunt so his plan was to go to his favorite spot and spread them near the cabin where he would stay. The second man said it was his grandmothers ashes and because of her love of sailing he was going to spread them along her favorite sailimg route. The third man confessed he was collecting the ashes of his long time gay lover and planned to put the ashes in his spicy chilli. When asked why he replied "so he can tear my ass apart one last time".....
 

Madmartigan

Team Bisping
First 100
Jan 16, 2015
6,485
10,426
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
 

Priziesthorse

TMMAC Addict
First 100
Jan 15, 2015
10,619
27,393
Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.


 

ShatsBassoon

Reigning Defending Monsters Champion
First 100
Jan 14, 2015
11,580
20,804
I might not be allowed to say the N'word but at least i can
say "thanks for the warning officer" and "hey dad."
 

ECC170

Monster's 11,ATM 2,Parlay Challenge,Hero GP Champ
Pro Fighter
Jan 23, 2015
13,625
22,221
Gilbosh;n33637 said:
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Youre joking i hope..of not Damn
 

ECC170

Monster's 11,ATM 2,Parlay Challenge,Hero GP Champ
Pro Fighter
Jan 23, 2015
13,625
22,221
A guy walks into a whore house and says " give me the biggest blackest girl you got!"..he walks into see this Behemoth of a woman...she's says "how can i help you big boy?"he replied "please get naked and roll over" ...the lady complies..he then says " get on all fours and spread it"...she does it...he steps back and ponders then says thanks for your time"..she asks "your aren't gonna fuck me?"..he says "HELL NO..jjust painting my house black and wanted to see what it looked like with pink shutters"
 

Onetrickpony

Stay gold
Nov 21, 2016
13,699
31,128
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so, she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow said 'No.'
She said 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
 

ECC170

Monster's 11,ATM 2,Parlay Challenge,Hero GP Champ
Pro Fighter
Jan 23, 2015
13,625
22,221
Why are women born with legs?


So their feet don't smell like pussy
 

TalkingLeaf

Well-Known Member
Nov 4, 2015
443
959
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?


Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be tween the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by her/him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."
 

SongExotic2

ATM 3 CHAMPION OF THE WORLD
First 100
Jan 16, 2015
17,889
37,491
Yeah right


I ain't t reading all this.





However when I was out on my travels today I encountered a beautiful blonde lady. We shared an elevator.

It was only 2 floors but I thought duck it Yolo. Lol.

So I leaned over and asked

"Excuse me miss, but can I smell your pussy? "

She said no.

I said


"Well it must have been your feet then!"
 

GSPTrainingInAPool

Formerly 'Cagesidelore'
Dec 1, 2015
2,995
3,820
Bill likes to keep a shoe box under the bed, which he has told Hillary many times to not look in. One day she says fuck it and opens up the box. Inside there is $1,000 in small bills and 3 crushed beer cans.

She confronts Bill and asks why he has these items in a box under their bed.

Bill explains that every time he has cheated on her, he'll come home and while she is sleeping he will sit on the side of the bed and drink beer. Pondering what he has just done. Then he'll crush the can and put it into the shoe box as a reminder of his mistake.

Hillary says well three times, I guess that's not so bad over the course of our marriage. But why is there so much money in the box?

Bill replies - that's from all the empties
 

GSPTrainingInAPool

Formerly 'Cagesidelore'
Dec 1, 2015
2,995
3,820
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so, she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow said 'No.'
She said 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
Great thread revival!!!
 

Mix6APlix

The more you cry, the less I care.
Oct 20, 2015
12,919
13,416
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?


Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be tween the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by her/him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."
How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They would all rather sit in the dark and bitch about it.
 

ECC170

Monster's 11,ATM 2,Parlay Challenge,Hero GP Champ
Pro Fighter
Jan 23, 2015
13,625
22,221
A little boy and a creepy old guy are walking through the dark woods as the little boys cries...The old man says "why are you crying?"..."You're not the one that has to walk back, all alone"