Post your hook-up nightmares here

[Wild]

I'll start, because I have no shame...

Age 23-24, living with a buddy of mine that is 6'-4" 260. Dude pulled truckloads of grade A ass though. We head out one Saturday night, and end up at a place called "Rockit Club" in Louisville. It was one of 4 bars in one building. I drank a ton of bourbon and coke and was already shitfaced by the time we left the apartment. We get to the club and I'm all over the dance floor. I get to dancing with this blonde in a red dress, and I'm convinced she's the best looking chic in the place.

Here's the story that I got from my buddy the next day, because I don't remember shit. He said he comes over to me and says "dude, you need to drop this bitch and come on". I say why? He says "dude, she's big...c'mon son." I tell him he's cock blocking and I'm taking this chic home. We argue for a bit while she stands there, and he finally gives up. Night goes on, and she comes home with me.

Here's where the story takes a bad turn. I wake up the next morning, roll over, and think my roommate is in bed with me. That's how big this bitch was. I had a waterbed at the time, and when I woke up, the mattress was so bloated, I was down in the crack on my side of the bed. I rub my eyes and see this behemoth laying there. So I slither out of the bed, grab some clothes very quietly and go downstairs. My buddy and this fucking dime piece that he pulled are sitting there on the couch, laughing their asses off. My buddy says "duuuuuude, I fucking told you but you wouldn't listen." As I'm putting my clothes on, I tell them "I'm heading to my mom and dads for a couple of hours. When this chic wakes up, tell her I moved out of the country."

I never heard from her again, and my roommate has never let me live that down...been 18-19 years and I still hear about it.

 

[Lamont Cranston]

I have an ex-gf who gets wrecked each Halloween and contacts me talking about "we could have been something" and then wants to talk to me about our time together when dating.

Only on Halloween.

 

[Wild]

I have an ex-gf who gets wrecked each Halloween and contacts me talking about "we could have been something" and then wants to talk to me about our time together when dating.

Only on Halloween.

LMAO! Wonder why she only does that on Halloween??

 

[Muscles82]

All right, you asked for it. My best friend was in town and we went out with another mutual friend to some bars. Guy that was from out of town had put up on his Facebook that he was in LA and if anyone wanted to hang out they should let him know. Some chick he went to elementary school with in the 6th grade and that he hadn't seen / heard from since says that she lives in town, is single and is down to meet up with us. I do quite a bit of pre-partying before we even get there. So we get to this bar in Westwood and I'm already pretty far gone, to the point where I can barely see. We meet up with the chick...where do I start? She is 4'11 so she is technically a midget. She has a full leg cast on and can only walk with crutches. She has a pirate skull and cross bones skirt on. She is a serious diabetic to the point where she has to stop what she's doing and check her levels regularly, and doesn't give a fuck about what anyone else is doing. My two buddies recognize all of the above instantly and start making plans to gtfo of there. My drunken self recognizes that she has taken a liking to me and accuses my bros of cockblocking me. (After reading your story I think this is a common theme in these sorts of stories). I say no way we're staying, end up taking the girl back to my place where we drink more and have a bonfire, which gets so hot it ruins the lemon tree in our rented house's backyard and pisses off the roommates pretty bad. Wake up with the midget pirate and a lot of regret. But it doesn't end there. I end up taking her out for St. Patty's day where she no less than 20 times just stops where she is to do her diabetic stuff, and oh man is she a raging cunt. I mention to her that I'm going to Vegas with some bros that weekend so I'll be unavailable to hang out, and then she goes on and on about how she's never been to Vegas and would love to go. In perhaps my weakest showing as a man I relented and invited the midget cripple pirate to the bros weekend. Called my bros to tell them and was rightfully lambasted over the phone and told I had to tell the girl she wasn't coming. Before I could tell her, she texted me saying how excited she was to be coming and that we just HAD to see the "Star Trek Experience" show there.

Suddenly it all became very easy. I texted her on the way to Vegas that she wasn't coming and that it wasn't going to work out. She called my buddy that she went to elementary school with balling her eyes out the next day but after that I never heard from her again. And that, friends, is why you don't hook up with midget cripple pirate diabetics.

 

[Lamont Cranston]

I have an ex-gf who gets wrecked each Halloween and contacts me talking about "we could have been something" and then wants to talk to me about our time together when dating.

Only on Halloween.

Halloween is her favourite holiday. She's that mother on the street who would do up the whole house and go all out.

The thing is she has chronic pain issues and the medication she takes makes her kinda wacky in the evening or if she's been drinking.

 

[Wild]

All right, you asked for it. My best friend was in town and we went out with another mutual friend to some bars. Guy that was from out of town had put up on his Facebook that he was in LA and if anyone wanted to hang out they should let him know. Some chick he went to elementary school with in the 6th grade and that he hadn't seen / heard from since says that she lives in town, is single and is down to meet up with us. I do quite a bit of pre-partying before we even get there. So we get to this bar in Westwood and I'm already pretty far gone, to the point where I can barely see. We meet up with the chick...where do I start? She is 4'11 so she is technically a midget. She has a full leg cast on and can only walk with crutches. She has a pirate skull and cross bones skirt on. She is a serious diabetic to the point where she has to stop what she's doing and check her levels regularly, and doesn't give a fuck about what anyone else is doing. My two buddies recognize all of the above instantly and start making plans to gtfo of there. My drunken self recognizes that she has taken a liking to me and accuses my bros of cockblocking me. (After reading your story I think this is a common theme in these sorts of stories). I say no way we're staying, end up taking the girl back to my place where we drink more and have a bonfire, which gets so hot it ruins the lemon tree in our rented house's backyard and pisses off the roommates pretty bad. Wake up with the midget pirate and a lot of regret. But it doesn't end there. I end up taking her out for St. Patty's day where she no less than 20 times just stops where she is to do her diabetic stuff, and oh man is she a raging cunt. I mention to her that I'm going to Vegas with some bros that weekend so I'll be unavailable to hang out, and then she goes on and on about how she's never been to Vegas and would love to go. In perhaps my weakest showing as a man I relented and invited the midget cripple pirate to the bros weekend. Called my bros to tell them and was rightfully lambasted over the phone and told I had to tell the girl she wasn't coming. Before I could tell her, she texted me saying how excited she was to be coming and that we just HAD to see the "Star Trek Experience" show there.

Suddenly it all became very easy. I texted her on the way to Vegas that she wasn't coming and that it wasn't going to work out. She called my buddy that she went to elementary school with balling her eyes out the next day but after that I never heard from her again. And that, friends, is why you don't hook up with midget cripple pirate diabetics.

Holy shit dude, I am in tears here. Fucking leg cast...really?

 

[Muscles82]

Holy shit dude, I am in tears here. Fucking leg cast...really?

Yeah man, a midget pirate diabetic cripple in a leg cast. Not my finest moment. Shit I've got enough of these embarrassing hook up stories to fill a forum by itself.

 

[Wild]

I forgot about this thread, and after reading it months later, I'm deleting this one. God forbid one of my kids ever get on dads forum and see this....

 

[Disciplined Galt]

I once had sex with a 200 cm tall Sudanese prostitute. It's all good though.

 

[La Paix]

Bump for lols.

 

[Wild]

We need M @Muscles82 back in here lol.

 

[girlandcoconut]

I know see @I Wild Each It in a whole new light

 

[girlandcoconut]

Although I feel like that last story doesn't fall into the "nightmare" category. I mean really, it sounded horrible, for months on end. Ha @I Wild Each It

 

[Leigh]

My mate had one this weekend. He's been using POF for years to pick up birds and obviously just targets young hotties. Well he got iceberged this weekend. He said that as she got out of the car, his heart sank. I thought it was great.

 

[OhWhopDaChamp]

I'm so totally here for this. I gotta go pee and refill my wine chalice. Un negrento

 

[Leigh]

I've never had a hook up that I regretted (although I have railed some birds in my time that I wouldn't want to admit to).

One time I was at a party, got drunk and plowed some girl. I was then going to nail her friend. Some other guy got jealous and kicked off. I ended up getting hit with a hammer (!) in the back of the head. So I manage to deal with the situation and the guy runs for it. I go back into the party to finish what I started with girl number 2. I'm drunk, woozy from the hammer to the dome and I'm just gonna raw dog this girl and go to sleep.

My head is bleeding a fair bit and I'm pretty tired, so I don't actually end up railing her. A couple of days later I find out she has HIV

That was about 15 years ago and it really sobered me up. I don't drink any more. And I'm happily married with kids.

 

[OhWhopDaChamp]

I'll start, because I have no shame...

Age 23-24, living with a buddy of mine that is 6'-4" 260. Dude pulled truckloads of grade A ass though. We head out one Saturday night, and end up at a place called "Rockit Club" in Louisville. It was one of 4 bars in one building. I drank a ton of bourbon and coke and was already shitfaced by the time we left the apartment. We get to the club and I'm all over the dance floor. I get to dancing with this blonde in a red dress, and I'm convinced she's the best looking chic in the place.

Here's the story that I got from my buddy the next day, because I don't remember shit. He said he comes over to me and says "dude, you need to drop this bitch and come on". I say why? He says "dude, she's big...c'mon son." I tell him he's cock blocking and I'm taking this chic home. We argue for a bit while she stands there, and he finally gives up. Night goes on, and she comes home with me.

Here's where the story takes a bad turn. I wake up the next morning, roll over, and think my roommate is in bed with me. That's how big this bitch was. I had a waterbed at the time, and when I woke up, the mattress was so bloated, I was down in the crack on my side of the bed. I rub my eyes and see this behemoth laying there. So I slither out of the bed, grab some clothes very quietly and go downstairs. My buddy and this fucking dime piece that he pulled are sitting there on the couch, laughing their asses off. My buddy says "duuuuuude, I fucking told you but you wouldn't listen." As I'm putting my clothes on, I tell them "I'm heading to my mom and dads for a couple of hours. When this chic wakes up, tell her I moved out of the country."

I never heard from her again, and my roommate has never let me live that down...been 18-19 years and I still hear about it.

awwww poor Pookie. We've all been hogging before. Hugz

 

[OhWhopDaChamp]

I have an ex-gf who gets wrecked each Halloween and contacts me talking about "we could have been something" and then wants to talk to me about our time together when dating.

Only on Halloween.

fucking cunt. How dare she defile All Hallows Eve? I'd fight her

 

[OhWhopDaChamp]

All right, you asked for it. My best friend was in town and we went out with another mutual friend to some bars. Guy that was from out of town had put up on his Facebook that he was in LA and if anyone wanted to hang out they should let him know. Some chick he went to elementary school with in the 6th grade and that he hadn't seen / heard from since says that she lives in town, is single and is down to meet up with us. I do quite a bit of pre-partying before we even get there. So we get to this bar in Westwood and I'm already pretty far gone, to the point where I can barely see. We meet up with the chick...where do I start? She is 4'11 so she is technically a midget. She has a full leg cast on and can only walk with crutches. She has a pirate skull and cross bones skirt on. She is a serious diabetic to the point where she has to stop what she's doing and check her levels regularly, and doesn't give a fuck about what anyone else is doing. My two buddies recognize all of the above instantly and start making plans to gtfo of there. My drunken self recognizes that she has taken a liking to me and accuses my bros of cockblocking me. (After reading your story I think this is a common theme in these sorts of stories). I say no way we're staying, end up taking the girl back to my place where we drink more and have a bonfire, which gets so hot it ruins the lemon tree in our rented house's backyard and pisses off the roommates pretty bad. Wake up with the midget pirate and a lot of regret. But it doesn't end there. I end up taking her out for St. Patty's day where she no less than 20 times just stops where she is to do her diabetic stuff, and oh man is she a raging cunt. I mention to her that I'm going to Vegas with some bros that weekend so I'll be unavailable to hang out, and then she goes on and on about how she's never been to Vegas and would love to go. In perhaps my weakest showing as a man I relented and invited the midget cripple pirate to the bros weekend. Called my bros to tell them and was rightfully lambasted over the phone and told I had to tell the girl she wasn't coming. Before I could tell her, she texted me saying how excited she was to be coming and that we just HAD to see the "Star Trek Experience" show there.

Suddenly it all became very easy. I texted her on the way to Vegas that she wasn't coming and that it wasn't going to work out. She called my buddy that she went to elementary school with balling her eyes out the next day but after that I never heard from her again. And that, friends, is why you don't hook up with midget cripple pirate diabetics.

awww Meli lubs the midges but she was more of a dwarf. They need dick too tho. 1 thumb down

 

[OhWhopDaChamp]

my story from Tales From My Vagina. It's lazy but I'm to wined up to type fresh. 2 tears.

.A man will have to literally tell me, "You want to fuck?" for me to understand the situation. Otherwise we're just pals. This young guy was my drinking buddy. He was about the same age as my adopted niece. So, of course, I'm thinking 'Love connection!' They were totally not into each other. After several attempts and several failures, I had to admit this was not a match made in ghetto heaven.

So I hit it my damn self. Karma. Karma is the biggest bitch I've ever met in my life. Fast forward several weeks. I go to the ghetto to pick his young poor ass up. Back at the crib we start drinking. Sitting next to each other. I get a text from him, 'Woman get off yo phone!" Yeah. I'm not laughing. Why are you texting me? Ugh.
Damn, let's get him done. Upstairs, he's eating the kitty. I'm not feeling it. I see the dick and damn, wow. OOOOkay, huge dick. We can make this shit work. Throw a leg up. Jagged thrusts. Where is the negro hip rotation that freed several slaves in colonial America? Eh, maybe if I turn on some rugged rap music he'll catch the rhythm. Nope. Damn you Tupac.
I just had to do a HBO Hookers on the Point check, 'C'mon Daddy. Damn.' He asks me to sit on his face and that will make him cum (Now you know when you're rolling your eyes in irritation at the thought of sitting on a man's face, you shouldn't have done this dumb shit).

Normally, I have to be really into it to hop and bounce. But, like I said before, let's get you done. I straddled the dick. Ass backwards (so he can see all and cum already). I grabbed his bony knees and got to bopping. Looked up and saw the crustiest feet to grace the earth since 10 b.c.
The toenails were yellow and loved the toes so deeply they didn't want to leave. Those talons curled and swirled around each toe like a long lost lover, unwilling to depart. The white crust tried to come between them, but was rebuffed. Made to live on the outskirts of each crack, I could see the crust becoming resentful and finding comfort in the valleys of each toe.

Whatever moisture Tupac generated died. My vagina was as dead as the skin on the heels of his feet. Karma. Cougar. Karma. Failure. I was beyond speech. Rolled off that big dick, grabbed the bottle, and searched for oblivion. The memory remains.

 

[ThatOneDude]

So there I was, fresh out of the Marines and back home in Connecticut. Had a realllll shitty apartment but what ever I was free. I go to my buddies house and we get to drinkin. His fiance at the time comes over with some of her friends to meet me. I had the desert eyes still so instead of playing it smart, I took the easy route. She was a pretty big chick, who used to be hot as fuck in high school(you know the type). Anyways as the night goes on I get drunker and drunker, pretty par for the course when you're getting ready to go hogging. Well anyways, it gets to be about 1am and I am shit housed. Can't drive home, and this porker wants the D. I tell her to bring me to my shit hole of an apartment, she does. As we are on the way there she says to me, oh shit, you live practically next door to me. I shutter in fear.

We get back to my place and I tell her she needs to suck the d to get me hard because I have the whiskey dick (no I don't, I've never had it). So she does her thing and it isn't half bad, I get mine and pass out drunk. (I'm a selfish lover what can I say.)

Fast forward to the next night. I'm at home with a buddy smoking tons of weed and having a few beers playing some resident evil 5 for a few hours. He heads out at like midnight and I decide to just go to sleep do to the heavy drinking the night before.

A few hours go by and all of a sudden I hear BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG, "Let me innnnnnn" my phones going nuts and I'm like wtf. First thing that goes through my head is "I fucked up". She doesn't stop, so I finally go down stairs and answer the door. She busts in like a fucking swat team and heads up stairs to my bed. Proceeds to get naked and tells me to fuck her. I try to pull the same trickery as the night before, but she isn't having it. So I wrap up and dive it...


This went on for a few months....

 

[vermonter]

Suitable for watched threads. I have some stories.... Mostly just hosses that I shouldn't have hooked up with, but I got a few in the chamber story-wise for when I'm winding down tonight. The botched threesome is a good one.

 

[Lamont Cranston]

fucking cunt. How dare she defile All Hallows Eve? I'd fight her

...and I would watch...

 

[ECC170]

LMAO! Wonder why she only does that on Halloween??

cuz she's doing a ouija board and being led on..it keeps giving her false hope

 

[ECC170]

All right, you asked for it. My best friend was in town and we went out with another mutual friend to some bars. Guy that was from out of town had put up on his Facebook that he was in LA and if anyone wanted to hang out they should let him know. Some chick he went to elementary school with in the 6th grade and that he hadn't seen / heard from since says that she lives in town, is single and is down to meet up with us. I do quite a bit of pre-partying before we even get there. So we get to this bar in Westwood and I'm already pretty far gone, to the point where I can barely see. We meet up with the chick...where do I start? She is 4'11 so she is technically a midget. She has a full leg cast on and can only walk with crutches. She has a pirate skull and cross bones skirt on. She is a serious diabetic to the point where she has to stop what she's doing and check her levels regularly, and doesn't give a fuck about what anyone else is doing. My two buddies recognize all of the above instantly and start making plans to gtfo of there. My drunken self recognizes that she has taken a liking to me and accuses my bros of cockblocking me. (After reading your story I think this is a common theme in these sorts of stories). I say no way we're staying, end up taking the girl back to my place where we drink more and have a bonfire, which gets so hot it ruins the lemon tree in our rented house's backyard and pisses off the roommates pretty bad. Wake up with the midget pirate and a lot of regret. But it doesn't end there. I end up taking her out for St. Patty's day where she no less than 20 times just stops where she is to do her diabetic stuff, and oh man is she a raging cunt. I mention to her that I'm going to Vegas with some bros that weekend so I'll be unavailable to hang out, and then she goes on and on about how she's never been to Vegas and would love to go. In perhaps my weakest showing as a man I relented and invited the midget cripple pirate to the bros weekend. Called my bros to tell them and was rightfully lambasted over the phone and told I had to tell the girl she wasn't coming. Before I could tell her, she texted me saying how excited she was to be coming and that we just HAD to see the "Star Trek Experience" show there.

Suddenly it all became very easy. I texted her on the way to Vegas that she wasn't coming and that it wasn't going to work out. She called my buddy that she went to elementary school with balling her eyes out the next day but after that I never heard from her again. And that, friends, is why you don't hook up with midget cripple pirate diabetics.

Bahaha great story..coming from a sausage finger renaissance man myself, was that last small paragraph needed?..Should have left the mondo sized paragraph going