General The death of my daughter has impacted my career

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Shinkicker

For what it's worth
Jan 30, 2016
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11,301
Been in sales for the past 12 years. Always been the guy that the company could count on to wine & dine clients and carry the conversation with just about anyone I met. Since my daughter passed, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to talk on the phone and try to communicate thru text as much as possible to avoid it. I’m sitting outside of a restaurant right now, trying to motivate myself into walking into this business dinner with a client I’ve known for 20 years. I don’t want to answer questions about how my family is doing. Selfishly, I don’t want to hear about theirs. All I want to do is be left alone and spend time with my wife and other daughter. I know this is what I signed up for, and get paid to do, but I dread it now.

So here I go. Two to three hours of putting on a smile and acting interested. Cant even get drunk because I have to host these guys in the office at 8am tomorrow for 6 more hours of bullshit.
Damn.

Damn. Damn. Dammit.

Hugs. Real tight.
 

Shinkicker

For what it's worth
Jan 30, 2016
8,235
11,301
I honestly can't imagine that grieving isn't different when it's your child. Ffs, we are supposed to go first!

I think parents also deal with guilt, no matter the circumstances. There are stages to grieving and you have to go through them all. No one else can do it for you. And first you have to accept that there is nothing you can do to 'go back' and fix it.

Wild @Wild , there are great online grief counseling available. But I'd start by reading through the stages of grief if you haven't already. Knowledge really is power. When you recognize things happening and know it's part of the process, it seems more.....doable. YOu kinda know you're getting somewhere.
 

Shinkicker

For what it's worth
Jan 30, 2016
8,235
11,301
People grieve differently. And each grief can be different for the same person.

When my stepmom died (sudden) it took me forever! I kept putting it off and it did nothing but drag it out until I had a come apart.

When my stepdad of 20 years passed, we knew it was coming and had been spending quality time, but we thought we had more time......it was intense and it wasn't going to let me put it off. I didn't know where to start. I read everything I could find on grieving. It helped.

(Side note: As odd as it sounds a book that really helped me was called "it's ok to die.")

Ironically, a few weeks later my real dad died and I was done in 3 weeks. I was sick and tired of grieving and being sad. Some in my family believe whoever grieves the longest, loved them the most. Not true. Maybe it was the practice but I feel like this one was the healthiest for me. Letting go of the grief I was able to better honor him and let myself enjoy his memory.

Grieving is for yourself and not the one who passed. They would want you to find joy in the life you have left.
 

Zeph

TMMAC Addict
Jan 22, 2015
23,260
30,515
Been in sales for the past 12 years. Always been the guy that the company could count on to wine & dine clients and carry the conversation with just about anyone I met. Since my daughter passed, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to talk on the phone and try to communicate thru text as much as possible to avoid it. I’m sitting outside of a restaurant right now, trying to motivate myself into walking into this business dinner with a client I’ve known for 20 years. I don’t want to answer questions about how my family is doing. Selfishly, I don’t want to hear about theirs. All I want to do is be left alone and spend time with my wife and other daughter. I know this is what I signed up for, and get paid to do, but I dread it now.

So here I go. Two to three hours of putting on a smile and acting interested. Cant even get drunk because I have to host these guys in the office at 8am tomorrow for 6 more hours of bullshit.
Sounds like depression. You might want to consider talking to someone and/or going on anti-depressa.nts
 

Hauler

When your gratitudes exceed your expectations...
Feb 3, 2016
30,826
42,124
Sucks man.
Can't even imagine the heartache.

Stay strong for your fam - and if you need help to get your mind right I'd definitely look into that.
 

ECC170

Monster's 11,ATM 2,Parlay Challenge,Hero GP Champ
Pro Fighter
Jan 23, 2015
13,806
22,560
Hate it for you brother, it took 4 years before I came out if my deep deep deep depression over my brother... Exercise and training kids got me out of it.. Try and find something you and your wife can Collab on that will be therepeutic and productive.. Only through that process will the pain become bearable.. It'll never stop hurting but the quality of life will become better eventually. She would want y'all living your best life and keeping her memory alive by being Happy..I never met her, but she was smiling like no other ever time you posted her pics and videos.. Love ya man, I got your back!
 

ECC170

Monster's 11,ATM 2,Parlay Challenge,Hero GP Champ
Pro Fighter
Jan 23, 2015
13,806
22,560
Sounds like depression. You might want to consider talking to someone and/or going on anti-depressa.nts
Idk about meds my man, maybe he and his wife need find a hobby/exercise type thing to better themselves physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally..Imho meds should be last effort, not trying be a know it all, but no meds helped me, it took old fashion training others and physical activity in order to get my dopamine flowing.
 

Rambo John J

Made A Billy Goat Puke
First 100
Jan 17, 2015
51,860
55,359
Idk about meds my man, maybe he and his wife need find a hobby/exercise type thing to better themselves physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally..Imho meds should be last effort, not trying be a know it all, but no meds helped me, it took old fashion training others and physical activity in order to get my dopamine flowing.
I gotta second the be careful not to rush into meds sentiment

Those meds can do more harm than good sometimes

I have a close family member that kinda rewired their brain for the worse on them


Of course all meds are different and it is certainly an option, shouldn't be one of the top options though IMO
 

RussfromNH

Get off my lawn!
Dec 12, 2018
1,383
2,470
So much good advice posted.


I don't know you from Adam, I just post silly shit on your forum but I have kids, i can’t begin to understand the kind of pain you’re in.

IMO - The best thing is you’re reaching out. Don’t keep it in.

i’m sure you know this, stick together as a family and lean on each other for help. Have you talked to your wife about how this is impacting your career?

maybe it’s time to move on to another career? Maybe start up a family business that everyone can dive into and get excited about?

it’s been mentioned before but get professional help. As a family and maybe solo as well. This can put strain on your marriage and you/your wifes relationship with surviving kid.

it’s tempting to just shut down, it is important to keep the lines of communication open and spend quality time together. Talking to each other about your loss, your daughter who has passed, and what you are feeling will help everyone in your family. It also will help your family's bond remain strong or grow stronger.
remember, knowing that their family is still strong can help your other child with their grieving process, as well.

make the effort to stick together as a family and take care of yourselves, you will make it through. The important thing is that you rely on one another, talk regularly even when it is uncomfortable, and continue to see a professional who can help you process what you're feeling and find workable solutions for continuing your life

It is going to take time there is never a point where you are suddenly "over it"

take baby steps to get back on track

Lots of Love to you and yours brother
 

peter_weyland

VP of Ass
Apr 24, 2015
4,777
7,598
I’m sorry.

This is just me talking, and maybe I am wrong. I have done talk therapy, admittedly not for the loss of a family member, and it was helpful. I can’t even tell you exactly how it is helpful, but I swear it was helpful for me.

I want you to get better and feel better.
A word on my own experiences with therapy: I've done multiple rounds of therapy for multiple issues. Seeking therapy doesn't = weakness. It's just a mental health consultant. You'd hire a consultant to repair shit around your house you didn't know how to fix. You'd hire a consultant to help you increase your ROI in a new sales channel. You go to a doctor when your stomach hurts, why not when you struggle with intrusive thoughts, sadness, or other issues on a psychological sort? IMO people are very good at pointing out the strengths and flaws in others, but very bad at assessing their own. A therapist is just an impartial third party that can advise you on proven strategies and methods to tackle issues you're having. It's like if you have poor posture, it's very obvious to every one else, but you can see it yourself. You just know you have back pain and people call you Quasimodo.

I think there's a stigma that they just sit and listen and judge you, or that they're just inherently nosy people, but nobody goes to school for 10 years to sit and listen to people bitch. They go to become informed and trained in ways to help people resolve problems that are getting in the way of their happiness. Problems that seem insurmountable to each of us looking out from the inside, a therapist sees 5x a day.

I had severe PTSD, depression and anxiety from 2004 to 2008. Crippling, in fact- kneeblock @kneeblock will tell you. I went from 180# competitive grappler to 155#, I couldn't climb stairs, I cried for no reason, raged for no reason, I contemplated suicide, etc. I had every physical test in the book, and eventually sought therapy and it saved my life. Most of us are too close to our mental struggles and can't see the forest for the trees.

Everyone's experience is different, and it takes time to figure it out, and sometimes you have to talk to different therapists, but I'm 100% a believer.

Regarding your loss, Wild @Wild - my deepest condolences. I'm sorry I haven't reached out to you sooner. I'm available any time if you want to talk.
 
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regular john

Muay Thai World Champion
May 21, 2015
4,929
6,497
as others have said I have nothing really insightful to contribute other than suggesting that you seek professional help i.e. therapy. You are going through the most painful experience in human life and wanting to be with your family only is natural. There is nothing wrong with it and you shouldn’t have to play happy face at work if you don’t feel comfortable yet. If you seek help and focus on being there for your family things will get better.
 

eubie5

Member
Apr 25, 2018
5
18
Damn, i feel for you. 6 years ago, i lost my daughter-best friend, partner in crime. I know exactly what you're going through. I work 3 days/week in a hospital, and took a 4 month leave. That helped some. Wasn't sure if i was going back due to the distinct sound of a ventilator. Still fucks me up.
Took me almost 4 years until i realized i was dealing with some depression.

Everyone is right. Exercise works works wonders in times like this.
Never be afraid about seeking counseling if you think you need it. Fuck what other people think, they're not walking in your shoes. Grief counseling never really did much for my wife or myself, but individual counseling did. You just have to find someone you're comfortable enough with to open up.

I agree about the meds, of course, my dr recently put me on wellbutrin for anxiety attacks that popped up about a year ago around bedtime. I would be just fine laying down, but my mind would go crazy, a mile a minute, when my head hit the pillow. Wellbutrin absolutely helped me.

Losing a child, in my opinion, is about the worst thing that could've ever happened to me. I was very angry for awhile, just angry at life. Still, pretty easily, i can get emotional over the littlest thing. It's amazing the way my life has changed since she's passed.
And the 'ol "time heals all wounds" is horseshit. You have a large hole in your heart. You DO learn how to live with it. And the hurt does become easier to deal with, i promise you.

Keep your head up, don't fall into the trap of just staying in all the time, closed off from life. Absolutely take whatever time you need for grieving, but get out there. If nothing else, go for a walk. Spend time with your loved one, talk about your daughter that passed, that always makes me feel better. Always makes me feel better.

I know this reply has been all over the place and i apologize about that.
You can pm me if you want, you can bitch, scream, cry, or we can just talk and compare notes. Just get shit off your chest, whatever you need. I hate when i hear another parent that's going through this. I'll help you in anyway that i can.

Edit-sorry op, just reread your original post, it was about your work. I was just trying to help you deal with your loss. Not sure what to jay about your job. Thinks will improve everywhere in your life when you can come to terms with the loss.
 
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Wild

Missing you Pey
Admin
Dec 31, 2014
64,474
110,221
Thanks for the words of wisdom & caring about me everyone. I'll try to reply back to everyone individually when I can. I do think therapy is something that I need to think about. Exercising and working out more as well. Unfortunately, travel and business consumes a lot of my time and being away from my family hits me harder than ever right now. I need to find a balance somehow.
 

HEATH VON DOOM

Remember the 5th of November
Oct 21, 2015
16,421
23,370
Dont take any pills without seriously thinking about it first. There is no magic solution. Sorry to hear about your struggles. If you ever just need to talk or vent there are probably 100 of us that would lend you a ear anytime of day.
 

Fingers

First 3500
Nov 14, 2019
8,881
9,817
There is no time limit on grief. If you can get your head around that and just try and exist with the grief it’s a start. Not the best existence but it’s a start. It will get easier but you won’t know when. No one does.

I think of you and your family regularly even though I don't know you. You come across as someone with nothing but love and strength for your family. That’s a lot of pressure considering the life changing strain your little family has been placed under.

Its good that you can admit it even just on here. As people have suggested maybe a spot of professional help might ease the burden a bit.

please don’t worry about responding to this or any other post on this thread. You don’t need to add pressure on yourself.
 

Dick Niaz

"Be available for life to happen" - Bill Murray
Jan 14, 2018
6,836
13,556
Thank you for your vulnerability in opening up to us. This community is here for you, so please don’t hesitate to ask for support when you need it.

I can’t even imagine what your past several months have been like but I’m blown away by your courage. It takes a conscious decision from you each morning to get out of bed and continue to live your life - we are so proud of you for having the strength to forge ahead despite the pain.

As someone who battles depression, the signs are obvious that you are dealing with it. The good news is there are lots of options to help you...the most important of which is talking to someone. A trained professional can equip you with tools and methods that will help.

One thing is for sure, there are hundreds of people who love you and are praying for you. We are all only one message away so never hesitate to open up when you are in need of support. God bless...
 

Mace

Active Member
Oct 29, 2015
116
188
please don’t worry about responding to this or any other post on this thread. You don’t need to add pressure on yourself.
I absolutely agree with this. There are some smartasses in here but all are good people when the matter becomes real. Nobody typed what they did for a response or for themselves. Just focus on putting that next foot forward.
 

Wild

Missing you Pey
Admin
Dec 31, 2014
64,474
110,221
I’m sorry for all the times I’ve been a dick to you Wild @Wild

You’re a great guy just trying your best.
I dont know why you feel I don't like you buddy. You're a good man as far as I'm concerned. Apologies if I ever gave you a different impression.
 

ShatsBassoon

2020: "But wait, there's more!"
First 100
Jan 14, 2015
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People grieve differently. And each grief can be different for the same person.
Grieving is for yourself and not the one who passed. They would want you to find joy in the life you have left.
Simply this.
Take care of yourself, Wild @Wild
Then you can worry about taking care of others