I was 14 years old and my life was over. At least, I wanted it to be.
You see me now on television, striking people in the face or kicking them in the head. I’m one of the best middleweights in the UFC, the biggest MMA organization on the planet. And it all almost never happened. None of it.
Sixteen years ago, I had given up. I didn’t want to continue with my life. I wanted it all to end, and I came very close to making sure it would. I don’t speak of it often — mostly because the man I am today has changed so much from the boy who thought so little of himself — but I hope by sharing my story, it will empower others to stand up for themselves, to believe in their abilities and their worth, and to realize how important they are.
I moved from the Caribbean nation of Jamaica to Queens, New York, when I was 13. Compared to everyone else I met, everything about me was different when I came to the United States. How I dressed. How I acted. My accent. My skin color. And when you’re different, people are scared of you. I realize now, many years later, that it was others’ own insecurity that created their fear, but back then, I felt like it was my weakness, not theirs.
Almost immediately after we arrived, the torment began.
Long before more than a million people watched a YouTube video of me knocking a guy out with a kick, I was a victim of systematic and severe bullying. It didn’t matter that my mother came to this country in search of a better life for our family; those who tormented me couldn’t have cared less. Their fear, their hatred, their ignorance, their complete and utter lack of humanity overshadowed any chance I would have (or so I thought) at experiencing the American Dream, like so many immigrants had before me.
Over time, the bullying became so aggressive and was so relentless, I got to the point where I simply did not want to go to school anymore. I started cutting class, and lying to my mom about where I had been. I fell behind, and when the overwhelming guilt and shame finally would motivate me to go back to school, I would find myself hopelessly lost and too far behind to make sense of the classwork.
Avoiding the bullying was the only thing I cared about. There were days where I literally could not get out of bed in the morning because of the fear inside me. Eventually, as things got worse, I began to have violent thoughts. I considered hurting other people, which, despite my current profession, is not something that is in my nature.
View: https://medium.com/the-cauldron/i-was-bullied-so-badly-i-considered-killing-myself-26bb4075dae9
