He Was a Mutant
Abraham Lincoln had long arms, which makes sense, as he is the tallest president we've had. What doesn't make sense is specifically
how long they were. They reached a length that many Cracked writers named Daniel classified as "superfreakgiant." According to William DeGregorio's
Complete Book of U.S. Presidents -- a book that I keep on my bedside table every single night
1 -- Lincoln "had disproportionately long arms and legs," and might have even suffered from the Stretch Armstrong disease, more commonly known as Marfan Syndrome, though "suffer" is hardly an accurate word. You wouldn't say Wolverine suffered from Claw Pox or John Holmes suffered from Awesome Dick Disorder. It's not exactly suffering if your disease is "I have massive arms that I've made even stronger by repeatedly swinging an axe every day of my life."
It's not
just that his arms were superfreakgiant; they were
incredibly strong. I know this next story is going to sound like bullshit, especially since it comes on the heels of a clearly photoshopped picture of Lincoln juggling four men, but I swear I didn't make it up. Several sources claim that, when Lincoln was in his 20s, they saw him carrying a box of stones weighing one thousand pounds, regularly. But not everyone agrees on that figure, of course.
Some say it was 1200.
Whether or not his strength had anything to do with his status as a Marfantastic Four sufferer is unclear. What we
do know is is that Lincoln is fully capable of crushing any man who crosses him. We'd better just hope he's more of a lover than a fighter ...
He Was a Stone-Cold Badass
When Lincoln was a teenager, he moved with his family to New Salem, Illinois, a town that was unofficially run by an unruly gang, called "the Clary Grove's Boys," whose only common bond was "
physical strength and prowess." That's it. They were only friends because one of them noticed "Hey, we're all good at beating hell out of shit; let's make that 'our thing.' " They would routinely get drunk and beat people up at random and reportedly called themselves "regulators" and "were the terror of all who did not acknowledge their rule." Jack Armstrong, the leader of the Clary Grove's Boys, was the biggest in the gang and the toughest fighter in the area, and he wasn't shy about either fact. Lincoln (still brand new in town) was sick of hearing about how good of a fighter Armstrong was and bet Armstrong $10 that he could find someone who could beat him.
Armstrong accepted but, when fight day arrived, Lincoln's man never showed up. They waited and waited and, when Armstrong demanded that Lincoln forfeit and pay up, Lincoln decided that, rather than lose $10, he would
fight the bastard himself. While Lincoln did have an advantage in both the height and giant-freak-arms departments, Armstrong had a lot more fighting experience under his belt and was the odds-on favorite.
The story of how the actual fight went down varies. According to New Salem resident Daniel Burner, Lincoln spent the fight tiring Armstrong out and then, when the moment was right, "swung his long leg over Armstrong's neck and made Armstrong run around holding him up in that position," which, yes, is pretty ideal placement for farting right into your opponent's mouth.
Another source claims Lincoln simply grabbed Armstrong by the throat, lifted him right into the air and
"shook him like a child" until he surrendered. Some even say that Lincoln was beating Armstrong so bad that the rest of the Clary Grove's Boys joined in, and Lincoln
just laughed and laughed. And then beat their asses. What we do know is that, when an artist was asked to depict the fight, this is what he came up with:
After the fight, Armstrong and the rest of the Boys decided to become best friends with Lincoln. That might seem crazy, but if your choices are "swallow your pride and play nice" or "constantly live in fear of the terrifying Stretch Armstrong Frankenstein," you'd probably choose the friend option, too. Luckily,Lincoln was loyal to his friends and very reasonable. It wasn't like he was crazy, or anything.
on second thought...
He Might Have Been Crazy
Most people know that Lincoln was an excellent speech-writer and, if they've read the entry directly above this one, they know that he was also a pretty good fighter. Few people know that, occasionally, Lincoln would combine those two things, and season them with a few hearty dashes of crazy.
In the 1830s, Lincoln was just beginning his political career and running for office in the New Salem assembly. It was important for him to present himself as a man worth following, a leader, to voters. At his very first speech, a small fight broke out in the crowd between a Lincoln supporter and some anti-Lincoln dude. This was an opportunity for Lincoln to show that he was cool-headed and just, a man who could moderate and resolve disputes, the kind of man you'd want representing you.
Lincoln left the podium mid-speech, went into the audience, grabbed one of the combatants by the throat and
threw him 12 fucking feet.
Oh, and not just
any fighter; it
happened to be the one guy in the fight who
didn't support Lincoln. This is what Lincoln did in his
very first public speech ever.
He won that election, by the way. 277 to 23. It just goes to show you that core family values, a big heart and the unrivaled ability to shot-put anyone who disagrees with you are the most important qualities voters look for.
@B!rdW@tch3r vs Abe Lincoln -
@Daglord 
