Seeing as I am back working in a restaurant, I decided to take a little bit of my time to explain basic courtesies that people should exhibit while eating out, well in restaurants I mean. No, this isn't going to be a mile long rant about how much you should tip, although if you tip anything less than 15% for adequate service, you are an asshole. Remember 'tips' = To Insure Proper Service. This is especially true if you eat at the place frequently and tip like garbage. If you wonder why you get poor service, it's because you tip like shit and everybody knows it, and you shouldn't expect anything more. But, I digress.
This has been a public service announcement brought to you by Mix6APlix.
- Children
- The restaurant is NOT a playground. Keep your kids under control. This isn't just about teaching your kid to be a civil human being, it's more about the safety of your child. If a server is carrying a large tray, a significant amount of his vision is compromised, particularly below and to what ever side they are carrying the tray. Odds are the tray has things on it that will hurt your little rat when he runs into the server's legs and gets the tray dumped on him/her such as knives, forks, plates, cast iron crocks, near boiling soup, hot food, hell some places serve items that actually come on fire. Keep control of you kids.
- If you go eat an most casual American fare restaurants, odds are, the table will have a sugar caddie. It's so you have sugar to add to your coffee, or to make your own lemonade when you ask for a glass of water with a dozen lemon wedges. (We hate you). What they are not for, is to entertain your child. If you decide to let your kid dump them all over the table like some redneck piece of trash, have the decency to put them back.
- Kids meals are exactly what the name implies. Meals for kids. Don't expect the restaurant to serve you a kids meal, when it explicitly states that they are for children 12 and under on the menu. If you want a 4 ounce burger, go to McDonald's. Or, better yet, conduct yourself as an adult, and order off of the big boy menu.
- Servers
- They are your server, not your servant. Remember they are working with assholes (both coworkers and customers) all day long, and 12 hour shifts are not a rarity, so have a little respect. Ex: put your damn phone down for 5 seconds when they come to introduce themselves and tell you about the specials. This leads me to my next point.
- Your server told you their name for a reason. Use it. Not "Hey Buddy" (I ain't your pal, dickface) [Bonus points for you if you read that in Donald Gibb's voice], not "Hey Chief" or "Big guy" or anything like that.
- You are not their only table. Servers have to prioritize their tables due to countless factors. If you are dining in the city's theater district, don't say "We have a show in an hour" then order a well done porterhouse. First, if you order a well done porterhouse, you fail at life. Second, guess what, the majority of the tables there are probably going to the same show. Your lack of decision making to go out to eat an hour before first day of Wicked isn't our problem, it just shows lack of foresight on your behalf. Sometimes, you just have to wait.
- Don't think that the server is spending their time laying the mack on the pretty woman with her sugar daddy. 999 times of 1000, it's because she is a pretentious attention whore who expects everyone to give her special treatment. She's likely rambling on and on and on about her special dietary needs and asking exactly how many grains of salt go on the organic, free range chicken that she is trying to order even though she is at a seafood restaurant. Odds are the server is thinking about how he wants to cut his wrists in the kitchen and praying for an out to get away from the bitch as quickly as humanly possible.
- To an extent this also applies equally to bartenders. Instead of yelling 'Hey cutie' or some shit like that to get a beverage refreshed, simply push your empty glass/bottle to the bartender's side of the bar, and they will acknowledge it and ask if you'd like another as soon as they can. Much like servers, they want you to be happy, but they also want you to get out as soon as possible after you are done ordering and you have finished your drink.
- Timing is everything
- When your server drops the check, that means it's time to pay the bill. When they say 'I'll take this at your leisure, sir', that's server-speak for 'pay and get out'. Don't sit there and keep rambling on and on. You are taking up their table, and the number of times they turn that table is directly related to how much money they are going to make that night. People who go to restaurants to talk are like people who pay gym dues to go do pushups. If you insist on sitting there babbling, tip percentage should increase by 5% for every 30 minutes. Also, if you are the last table in the restaurant, it's time to leave. You don't have to go home, but GTFO.
- If Yelp says that the restaurant closes at 10pm, coming it at 9:55 is unacceptable. It's just a fucking dick move on every level. If it closes at 10, don't get there anytime after 9:30. An hour before is preferential. You will get better service by adhering to this, I promise you.
- While I am on the subject of timing, when you say that you are ready to order, that isn't the first time you pick up the fucking menu. If you say you're ready to order, be ready to order. And once you have placed an order, you have placed your order. Deal with it. It's one thing if you order the club sandwich, then you decide you want it with provolone instead of Swiss, but don't order the club sandwich, then 5 minutes later be like "Actually I want grilled salmon instead". You have a brain, fucking use it.
- Seating
- There is no such a thing as a 'bad table'. If you want a booth or have any other special requests about seating, call ahead, make a reservation and request what you want or need. Don't just say 'oh can we sit there' instead of the exact same type of table that the hostess brought you too. You have no idea about the reservations, you have no idea about the sections that the servers are in, and the hostess is trying to seat the restaurant in an organized fashion so that the end result will be a better dining experience for all parties involved. They know how many reservations they have, they know how many people who thought ahead with any special requests have been assigned to sit where before you just walked in.
- Allergies
- If you are allergic to something, guess whose job it is to make it known to the server. It's your responsibility and no one else's. EVER. Side story about this: I was working at a Levy restaurant in Chicago about 10 years ago. Some retarded woman orders the seafood chowder. She takes the first spoonful and asks 'Does this have shellfish in it'? Really?!?! There was a 7-11 next door so I ran and got her some bendryl because, of course she went to a seafood restaurant with a shellfish allergy without her epipen. She ended up being fine, and I ended up getting suspended for a week for giving out medication to a guest. A week later Larry Levy (He owns like 20 restaurants around here) met with me, thanked me, and reimbursed me for lost wages. But seriously, if I had a shellfish allergy, I'm not even setting foot in a place that has a 20 foot fresh seafood display as soon as you walk in the door. That is still one of my most WTF moments ever working in restaurants.
- Miscellaneous
- When you order a steak, lets say you just got a 18 oz ribeye delivered to your table. You do not check the temperature by cutting a quarter inch from the edge. You cut the steak right down the middle. If that's not to your liking, then and only then can you complain about it.
- When your server checks back and asks if everything is ok, that is the moment when you tell them something is wrong. Don't wait until the end of the meal to complain and expect something for free.
- The table next to you is not your personal baggage area, nor is it your coat rack. Hang your jacket on the back of your chair, or put in on the inside of your booth. Don't leave your briefcase in the middle of the aisle or on the outside of your booth for the exact same reasons listed under controlling your children. If you are looking for a lawsuit, go play in traffic.
- Don't seat yourself. The hostesses have a job, let them do it.
- Don't grab a chair from another table if one of your old frat boy friend shows up after the meal has already been ordered.
This has been a public service announcement brought to you by Mix6APlix.
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