Our favorite song is Allison Krause "When you say nothing at all". My wife would tell me to repla it multiple times sometimes......last night I was a sobbing mess. Then her singing "I know who holds tomorrow" just broke me worse.
krauss has voice of an angel.
People are always asking how I'm doing.....how the hell am I supposed to answer that?!?! "Oh, my companion of +30yrs is gone and the only time I feel happy is when I'm sitting at our niche at the national cemetery and talking to myself" One of the workers there and I were talking between interments on friday.....he told me "Take your time" coming here for myself. If it wernt for my girls....the question of "why" would be afully hard to answeer.
Nothing in life could bother me...other than make me mad. Violence.....LOL. Blood and guts.....nope. My childhood probably gave me PTSD that I'm so warped by it that it's hard for me to recognize what is so wrong woith me. Seeing her die, blood coming out of her mouth, trying to clear and airway and breaking her ribs in compressions, then medics hooking up the compression machine as they worked, transport, etc. Ambulance ride to hospital and 30mins of them working on her....ok, I felt clumsy and like I was moving through mud and a rage at the 911 operator with her fucking babble...."IM FUCKIGNBUSY". What breaks/broke me is when the emptymess cant be hidden or ignored. It's a fucking hole that can't get filled. So everything is my facade.....or maybe, like when I'm in church, I feel like thet Christian song, "Stained Glass Masquerade" THAT ME...both for what I am and for how I feeling.
Every yer since vietnam, my uncle flies to a vet cemetery and visit grave of his best friend with a VSM and CIB to leave on the grave and drink a beer. He watched his friend take a round through the helmet. I think, that's what I have to look forward to when I move....maybe once or twice a year, visiting, sitting on the ground and talking to myself. Other than that, im just going through the motions for the girls.
Sorry...yeah I may have had a little Knob Creek.
Peace!