Joke of the Day Thread
- Thread starter Wild
- Start date
I thought he'd be beating a snake off the plane
I'm impressed.
He used a comma AND an apostrophe.
My daughter went to a local fast food joint and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
4 Men are golfing in a group behind a single golfer - a hot blonde.
She had been eyeing up her putt for ages. Finally they drove up to her asked if there was a problem.
She proudly stated that if she sunk this putt, she would beat the course record. So if one of the men gave her advice that helped her make the putt, she would take them into the woods and give them a blowjob.
First guy says putt a little to the right.
Second guy says no putt to the left.
Third guy says they're both wrong, putt right up the middle.
The last guy said it's a gimme - let's go!
She had been eyeing up her putt for ages. Finally they drove up to her asked if there was a problem.
She proudly stated that if she sunk this putt, she would beat the course record. So if one of the men gave her advice that helped her make the putt, she would take them into the woods and give them a blowjob.
First guy says putt a little to the right.
Second guy says no putt to the left.
Third guy says they're both wrong, putt right up the middle.
The last guy said it's a gimme - let's go!
A pirate walks into a bar, and he has a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks "what's with the steering wheel?" and the pirate looks at him and says "yaarrrh.... it's driving me nuts."
So I was talking to my friend David the other day he introduced me to his new girlfriend, Jeanne. Unbeknownst to him, I already knew who Jeanne was. Part of this was due to the fact that Jeanne was smoking hot and basically set the standard for feminine beauty. Unfortunately, no one would date her because she had an unsavory reputation of turning her own shit into bread. Yeah, she'd bake that shit into bread. Well, despite my discomfort I shook her hand and made small talk for a bit because I didn't want make things awkward in front of my bro, and soon enough she wandered off to take care of some business. I seized the opportunity to confront David about my misgivings.
"Dude," I said, "haven't you heard the rumors about the... weird stuff that Jeanne does!? Why the hell did you pick her as your partner?"
His response still haunts me...
"Dat ass dough."
"Dude," I said, "haven't you heard the rumors about the... weird stuff that Jeanne does!? Why the hell did you pick her as your partner?"
His response still haunts me...
"Dat ass dough."
Three midgets:
@sparkuri,
@Robbie Hart and
@Andrewsimar Palhardass are hanging out together, bored, and one of them notices a Guinness Book of World Records on the shelf. They occupy their time for a little bit by looking at all of the records, and they have the great idea that they should all try to break one.
@sparkuri looks at his hands and says "guys, I think I might be able to break the record for having the world's smallest fingers!
@Robbie Hart thinks for a while and says "I bet I could win for having the smallest feet ever!"
@Andrewsimar Palhardass says, ashamed and excited at the same time, "guys, I hate to say this but I bet I've got the smallest penis in history."
They call up Guinness and set it up, and finally the day comes.
@sparkuri goes into the room with the Guinness rep, and emerges with a certificate. "I can't believe it, guys! I have the smallest hands in history!"
@Robbie Hart is next. A few minutes go by and he says "Guys, it was close... but I have the smallest head ever!" he's jumping for joy with his certificate.
@Andrewsimar Palhardass is nervous. He can't be the only one without a record. He goes in to the room, and he's in there for a long time. He finally emerges, but he has tears in his face. Sparkuri and Robbie ask in anticipation, did he break the record? Andrewsimar looks up, devastated, and cries "WHO THE HELL IS @Splinty ?!?!?"
@sparkuri,
@Robbie Hart and
@Andrewsimar Palhardass are hanging out together, bored, and one of them notices a Guinness Book of World Records on the shelf. They occupy their time for a little bit by looking at all of the records, and they have the great idea that they should all try to break one.
@sparkuri looks at his hands and says "guys, I think I might be able to break the record for having the world's smallest fingers!
@Robbie Hart thinks for a while and says "I bet I could win for having the smallest feet ever!"
@Andrewsimar Palhardass says, ashamed and excited at the same time, "guys, I hate to say this but I bet I've got the smallest penis in history."They call up Guinness and set it up, and finally the day comes.
@sparkuri goes into the room with the Guinness rep, and emerges with a certificate. "I can't believe it, guys! I have the smallest hands in history!"
@Robbie Hart is next. A few minutes go by and he says "Guys, it was close... but I have the smallest head ever!" he's jumping for joy with his certificate.
@Andrewsimar Palhardass is nervous. He can't be the only one without a record. He goes in to the room, and he's in there for a long time. He finally emerges, but he has tears in his face. Sparkuri and Robbie ask in anticipation, did he break the record? Andrewsimar looks up, devastated, and cries "WHO THE HELL IS @Splinty ?!?!?"
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One that is not mine, but:
Why did the lesbian cross the road?
“To suck my dick”
Why did the lesbian cross the road?
“To suck my dick”
*by*, not “buy”Three midgets:
They call up Guinness and set it up, and finally the day comes.
1. It was clearly a typo.
2. Did you just correct my grammar with a sentence that misuses asterisks, doesn't begin with a capital letter, and fails to use a period?
You were wrong
It should say "You were wrong."
I was just confused on how he thought he was going to win smallest feet, but walked out with the smallest head, lol.
Hahaha now THIS one I deserve.
But hey, it's Robbie. Is it so outlandish that he'd forget?
Joke bump
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Yo2 mang make a thread!
M
member 3289
Guest
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type O."
^^I told this joke to @Lars Soros and he said it was the funniest joke he'd ever heard.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type O."
^^I told this joke to @Lars Soros and he said it was the funniest joke he'd ever heard.
T
The Big Guy
Guest
A man takes his eleven year old daughter to the doctor.
He tells the doctor "I want my daughter to go on the pill."
The doctor is taken aback, and asks "Is your daughter sexually active?"
"Nah," replies the man, "most of the time she just lies there like her mother."
He tells the doctor "I want my daughter to go on the pill."
The doctor is taken aback, and asks "Is your daughter sexually active?"
"Nah," replies the man, "most of the time she just lies there like her mother."