Joke of the Day Thread

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Iceman33

Nine and two thirds
Jan 31, 2016
6
13
What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?

Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.
 

Splinty

Shake 'em off
Admin
Dec 31, 2014
34,415
70,161
I once had a friend who had a job circumcising elephants. The pay was lousy, but the tips were huge.
 

Splinty

Shake 'em off
Admin
Dec 31, 2014
34,415
70,161
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
 

Onetrickpony

Stay gold
Nov 21, 2016
13,693
31,111
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”

The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
 

Onetrickpony

Stay gold
Nov 21, 2016
13,693
31,111
Three fathers bragging to each other about their sons success.

The first one says "My son started off with very little money, but he is a genius in the stock markets, and became rich just like that! Recently he even bought a friend of his a new Ferrari."

The second one says "That's nothing! My boy started working as a cleaner in a large company, and over the years became it's president! He recently bought his friend a private jet!"

The third listens to the stories, a smile on his face. "My son was born into extreme poverty and using his skills he became the richest man in this country. He even bought his friend a huge mansion, complete with 1,000 acres of land."

Just as he finished speaking, another man enters the room, and asks what they were talking about. They explained to him about their sons.

The man said "My son is a gay, male stripper."

They all looked shocked. The first man said "How can you stand his failure?"

The man replies "He is my son and I love him. Besides, he recently had his birthday and got a Ferrari, a private jet and a huge mansion from three of his gay friends."
 

Onetrickpony

Stay gold
Nov 21, 2016
13,693
31,111
My priest is alarmingly homophobic,

















for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.
 

Onetrickpony

Stay gold
Nov 21, 2016
13,693
31,111
One day a girl comes home crying very upset that her boyfriend had dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret drawer has popped open on her mother’s bed.

Inside, was a very well presented box containing the most magnificent looking dildo she’d ever seen with instructions reading, “The Great magic dildo. To use it, just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to pleasure you. USE WITH CAUTION!”

"What have I got to lose, I need cheering up” the girl thinks. So, she lays down on her bed and says "Great Magic Dildo, vagina." The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her, making her cum harder than ever before.

Feeling majestic and much happier, the girl lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when suddenly, her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says "Hey listen, I want to talk to yo… what are you holding??"

"It’s a Great Magic Dildo"

Laughing, he says "Yeah right, great magic dildo my ass."
 

Onetrickpony

Stay gold
Nov 21, 2016
13,693
31,111
He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the solution. In the forest by the pond, there is a magic purple toad. If you can get the toad to say 'No' to you, your penis will shrink by three inches."

The man followed the witch's advice, and went into the forest. Sure enough, by the lakeside was a large purple toad. The man thought for a moment, then walked up to the toad and said, "Hey magic toad, do you want to have sex with me?"

The toad replied with a disgusted face, "What? No!"

As promised, the man's penis shrunk to 12 inches! But it was still too big for him to be comfortable with, so he asked again, "Magic toad, please won't you have sex with me?"

The toad once again made a face and croaked, "Ew, no!" and the man's penis shrunk to 9 inches. Still, he thought that might be too big.

"6 inches should be fine," he decided, so he went to the toad once more and said, "Magic toad, I need you to have sex with me!" to which the magic toad replied, "How many times do I have to tell you?! No! No! A thousand times no!"
 

Onetrickpony

Stay gold
Nov 21, 2016
13,693
31,111
A man walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. "Hey miss", he says, "would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies, and walks away.

The man turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?"

"Listen you I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

Once more he runs around the block. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $10,000?"

This time she thinks about it for a while.

"Per breast" he adds.

Hmmm, $20,000, she ponders. OK, she says.

So they go into an alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, but not biting them.

After several minutes of this the woman finally runs out of patience. "Well?" she says, in an annoyed tone. "Are you going to bite them or not?"

"Nah,too expensive" the man replies as he walks away.
 

sparkuri

Pulse On The Finger Of The Community
First 100
Jan 16, 2015
24,344
36,491
Why don't orphans play baseball?



















Because they don't know where home is.
 

sparkuri

Pulse On The Finger Of The Community
First 100
Jan 16, 2015
24,344
36,491
A man walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. "Hey miss", he says, "would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies, and walks away.

The man turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?"

"Listen you I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

Once more he runs around the block. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $10,000?"

This time she thinks about it for a while.

"Per breast" he adds.

Hmmm, $20,000, she ponders. OK, she says.

So they go into an alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, but not biting them.

After several minutes of this the woman finally runs out of patience. "Well?" she says, in an annoyed tone. "Are you going to bite them or not?"

"Nah,too expensive" the man replies as he walks away.

Roadhouse