Joke of the Day Thread

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Mix6APlix

The more you cry, the less I care.
Oct 20, 2015
12,919
13,416
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?







Their last big hit was The Wall.
 

sparkuri

Pulse On The Finger Of The Community
First 100
Jan 16, 2015
24,372
36,535

I'm impressed.
He used a comma AND an apostrophe.







My daughter went to a local fast food joint and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.














 

GSPTrainingInAPool

Formerly 'Cagesidelore'
Dec 1, 2015
2,995
3,820
4 Men are golfing in a group behind a single golfer - a hot blonde.

She had been eyeing up her putt for ages. Finally they drove up to her asked if there was a problem.

She proudly stated that if she sunk this putt, she would beat the course record. So if one of the men gave her advice that helped her make the putt, she would take them into the woods and give them a blowjob.

First guy says putt a little to the right.

Second guy says no putt to the left.

Third guy says they're both wrong, putt right up the middle.

The last guy said it's a gimme - let's go!
 

Andrewsimar Palhardass

Women, dinosaurs, and the violence of the octagon.
Jan 8, 2016
5,220
6,795
A pirate walks into a bar, and he has a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks "what's with the steering wheel?" and the pirate looks at him and says "yaarrrh.... it's driving me nuts."
 

sparkuri

Pulse On The Finger Of The Community
First 100
Jan 16, 2015
24,372
36,535
"Do you know Microsoft Office?"

"Oh yes, I Excel at it."

"Did you just make an Office joke?"

"Word."
 

Onetrickpony

Stay gold
Nov 21, 2016
13,699
31,128
So I was talking to my friend David the other day he introduced me to his new girlfriend, Jeanne. Unbeknownst to him, I already knew who Jeanne was. Part of this was due to the fact that Jeanne was smoking hot and basically set the standard for feminine beauty. Unfortunately, no one would date her because she had an unsavory reputation of turning her own shit into bread. Yeah, she'd bake that shit into bread. Well, despite my discomfort I shook her hand and made small talk for a bit because I didn't want make things awkward in front of my bro, and soon enough she wandered off to take care of some business. I seized the opportunity to confront David about my misgivings.
"Dude," I said, "haven't you heard the rumors about the... weird stuff that Jeanne does!? Why the hell did you pick her as your partner?"
His response still haunts me...
"Dat ass dough."
 

Andrewsimar Palhardass

Women, dinosaurs, and the violence of the octagon.
Jan 8, 2016
5,220
6,795
Three midgets: sparkuri @sparkuri, THE GILF HUNTER @Robbie Hart and Andrewsimar Palhardass @Andrewsimar Palhardass are hanging out together, bored, and one of them notices a Guinness Book of World Records on the shelf. They occupy their time for a little bit by looking at all of the records, and they have the great idea that they should all try to break one.

sparkuri @sparkuri looks at his hands and says "guys, I think I might be able to break the record for having the world's smallest fingers!
THE GILF HUNTER @Robbie Hart thinks for a while and says "I bet I could win for having the smallest feet ever!"
Andrewsimar Palhardass @Andrewsimar Palhardass says, ashamed and excited at the same time, "guys, I hate to say this but I bet I've got the smallest penis in history."

They call up Guinness and set it up, and finally the day comes.

sparkuri @sparkuri goes into the room with the Guinness rep, and emerges with a certificate. "I can't believe it, guys! I have the smallest hands in history!"
THE GILF HUNTER @Robbie Hart is next. A few minutes go by and he says "Guys, it was close... but I have the smallest head ever!" he's jumping for joy with his certificate.
Andrewsimar Palhardass @Andrewsimar Palhardass is nervous. He can't be the only one without a record. He goes in to the room, and he's in there for a long time. He finally emerges, but he has tears in his face. Sparkuri and Robbie ask in anticipation, did he break the record? Andrewsimar looks up, devastated, and cries "WHO THE HELL IS Splinty @Splinty ?!?!?"
 
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THE GILF HUNTER

Formerly 'Robbie Hart'
Feb 13, 2015
40,461
43,094
Three midgets: sparkuri @sparkuri, THE GILF HUNTER @Robbie Hart and Andrewsimar Palhardass @Andrewsimar Palhardass are hanging out together, bored, and one of them notices a Guinness Book of World Records on the shelf. They occupy their time for a little bit by looking at all of the records, and they have the great idea that they should all try to break one.

sparkuri @sparkuri looks at his hands and says "guys, I think I might be able to break the record for having the world's smallest fingers!
THE GILF HUNTER @Robbie Hart thinks for a while and says "I bet I could win for having the smallest feet ever!"
Andrewsimar Palhardass @Andrewsimar Palhardass says, ashamed and excited at the same time, "guys, I hate to say this but I bet I've got the smallest penis in history."

They call up Guinness and set it up, and finally the day comes.

sparkuri @sparkuri goes into the room with the Guinness rep, and emerges with a certificate. "I can't believe it, guys! I have the smallest hands in history!"
THE GILF HUNTER @Robbie Hart is next. A few minutes go buy and he says "Guys, it was close... but I have the smallest head ever!" he's jumping for joy with his certificate.
Andrewsimar Palhardass @Andrewsimar Palhardass is nervous. He can't be the only one without a record. He goes in to the room, and he's in there for a long time. He finally emerges, but he has tears in his face. Sparkuri and Robbie ask in anticipation, did he break the record? Andrewsimar looks up, devastated, and cries "WHO THE HELL IS Splinty @Splinty ?!?!?"
*by*, not “buy”
 

Banjaxo

Fight the Power
Nov 16, 2019
1,142
2,075
A man takes his eleven year old daughter to the doctor.

He tells the doctor "I want my daughter to go on the pill."

The doctor is taken aback, and asks "Is your daughter sexually active?"

"Nah," replies the man, "most of the time she just lies there like her mother."